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Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin


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After-shave
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Cardinal Ximiaez: "I use two kinds of aftershave lotions - Frankincense, Myrrh - THREE kinds of aftershave lotions, Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood - FOUR kinds of aftershave lotion. Frankincense, ...."
Agatha Christie
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Inspector Tiger: "This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I ... I ... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?"
Army Protection Racket
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
"the whole premise is silly and it's very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I haven't had a funny line yet. So I'm stopping it."
Attila the Bun
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
"ANIMATION: a vicious rampaging bun. Voice Over: Well that's all for Attila the Bun, and now - idiots!"
Batley Townswomen's Guild Presents the Battle of Pearl Harbour
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
"Ladies and gentlemen, the World of History is proud to present the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild's re-enactment of 'The Battle of Pearl Harbour' ... the two sides set about each other with handbags etc., speeded up 50% just to give it a bit of edge."
Buying a Bed
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
"you have to say dog kennel to Mr Lambert because if you say mattress he puts a bag over his head. I should have explained. Apart from that he's really all right. "
City Gents Vox Pops
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Well l've been in the city for thirty years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold hearted, avaricious, money-grubber ... Conservative.
Court Scene - Multiple Murderer
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
And now I must come to the jury. What can I say. I've dragged you in here, day after day, keeping you away from your homes, your jobs, your loved ones, just to hear the private details of my petty atrocities.
Court Scene (Witness in Coffin / Cardinal Richelieu)
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
He's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said...
Cut-price Airline
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Well, no ... It's not so much of a jet, it's more your, er, Triumph Herald engine with wings.
Documentary on Boxer
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Voice Over: "This is Ken Clean-air Systems, the great white hope of the British boxing world. After three fights - and only two convictions - his manager believes that Ken is ready to face the giant American Satellite Five." Manager, Mr. Englebert Humperdink: "The great thing about Ken is that he's almost totally stupid."
Penguins (inc BBC Programme Planners)
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Dr Peaches Bartkowicz: "For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a man the penguin would have to be over sixty-six feet high." Prof. Ken Rosewall: "This theory has become known as the waste of time theory and was abandoned in 1956. Standard IQ. tests gave the following results. The penguins scored badly when compared with primitive human sub-groups like the bushmen of the Kalahari but better than BBC programme planners."
Puss in Boots
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
All: "It's ... Puss!" Audience: "Hello, Puss!" Principal Boy: "Hello, children!" Police Chief: "Stop! Stop this adaptation of 'Puss-in-Boots'! This is the Police Department of the State of Venezuela!" Principal Boy: "Oh no it isn't!" Police Chief: "Oh, yes it is!"
School Prize-giving
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Bishop: "My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, it gives me very great pleasure to return to my old school, to present the prizes in this centenary year. This school takes very justifiable pride in its fine record of... aaaaarrgh! (Hands pull him down behind the table. Fighting, punching, struggle, grunts etc. No reaction at all from the distinguished guests. The bishop's head reappears for a moment. ) ... scholarship and sporting achievement in all... aaaarrgh!" (He disappears again. More noises. Up comes another bishop dressed identically.)
Scott of the Antarctic
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Film Producer Schlick: "Now this afternoon we're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat on to the ice floe and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes pssssssssshhh in slow motion." Interviewer Conger: "But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic." Schlick: "What?" Conger: "There aren't any lions in the Antarctic." Schlick: "You're right. There are no lions in the Antarctic. That's ridiculous; whoever heard of a lion in the Antarctic. Right. Lose the lion."
Secret Service Dentists
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Lafarge: "OK Stapleton, this is it. Where's Mahoney hidden the fillings?" Bookseller: "What fillings?" Lafarge: "You know which fillings, Stapleton. Upper right two and four, lower right three and two lower left one. Come on. (he threatens with the gun) Remember what happened to Nigel." Arthur: "What happened to Nigel?" Bookseller: "Orthodontic Jake gave him a gelignite mouth wash."
Secretary of State Striptease
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Compere: "Wasn't he marvellous? The Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen and ladies, a very big welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social Security!"
Self-defense Against Fresh Fruit
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Sergeant: "What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?" Soldier: "Can't we do something else?" Other Soldier: "Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?" Sergeant: "Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!"
Shakespeare/Michaelangelo/Colin Mozart (Ratcatcher)
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Colin Mozart, shouting: "Depressed by rats? Do mice get you down? Then why not visit Colin Mozart's Rodent Extermination Boutique. Rats extirpated, mice punished, voles torn apart by Colin Mozart, Munich's leading furry animal liquidator."
Stonehenge/Mr. Attila the Hun
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Chief Constable: "Er, now then sir, you are Attila the Hun?" Attila the Hun: "That's right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr and Mrs Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born."
Submarine
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Mrs Lieutenant Edale here. Mrs Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again, so I put her in the torpedo tube … Roger, Mrs Edale. Stand by to fire Mrs Nesbitt.
Tax on Thingy
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Politician: "Good Lord, you're not suggesting we should tax... thingy?" First Official: "Poo poo's?" Third Official: "No." First Official: "Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment." (First Official leaves)
The Lost World of Roiurama
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Third Explorer: "All that'll be left of us will be a map, a compass and a few feet of film, recording our last moments..." First Explorer: "Wait a moment!" Fourth Explorer: "What is it?" First Explorer: "If we're on film, there must be someone filming us!" Second Explorer: "My God, Betty, you're right!"
The Olympic Hide-and-seek Final
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Comentator: "Hello, good afternoon and welcome to the second leg of the Olympic final of the men's Hide-and-Seek here in the heart of Britain's London. We'll be surfing in just a couple of moments from now, and there you can see the two competitors Francisco Huron the Paraguayan, who in this leg is the seeker (we see Francisco Huron darting about, looking behind things) and there's the man he'll be looking for ... (we see Don Roberts practicing hiding) our own Don Roberts from Hinckley in Leicestershire who, his trainer tells me, is at the height of his self-secreting form. And now in the first leg, which ended on Wednesday, Don succeeded in finding the Paraguayan in the new world record time of 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds, in a sweetshop in Kilmarnock. And now they're under starter's orders...."
The Piranha Brothers
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Scenario: An 'Ethyl the Frog' documentary on violence and the rise of the infamous Piranha Brothers. Presenter: "One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis." Vince: "Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor." Interviewer: "He nailed your head to the floor?" Vince: "At first, yeah"
Timmy Williams Interview
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Waiter: (coming to table) "Oh, Mr Willimas, it's so nice to see you. Will you sign this for my little daughter, please?" Timmy: "Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful. (signs) Just two lovely coffees, please." (Director comes in.) Director: "Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go from where Mario comes in, we're getting bad sound, OK?" Timmy: "It's German television. Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing a prize-winning documentary on me." (We see a film camera and the whole crew gathered round.) Clapper Boy: " 'The Wonderful Mr Williams', scene 239, take 2." Director: "Action!"
TV4 or Not TV4 - Discussion
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTIONS: 'THE GREAT DEBATE' 'NUMBER 31' 'TV4 OR NOT TV4?' Kennedy: "Gentlemen - should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?" Throat: "Yes." Kennedy: "Francis?" Kinwoodie: "No." Kennedy: "Sir Abe?" Sappenheim: "Yes." Kennedy: Patrick?" Loone: "No." SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'YES 2 NO 2'
Whicker Island
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
CAPTION: 'WHICKER'S WORLD' (Various Whickers pace past the camera.) First Whicker: "Today we look at a vanishing race. A problem people who are fast disappearing off the face of the earth." Second Whicker: "A race who one might say are losing a winning battle." Third Whicker: "They live in a sunshine paradise, a Caribbean dream, where only reality is missing." Fourth Whicker: "For this is Whicker Island."
Working Class Playwright
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Mum: "He's had a hard day dear... his new play opens at the National Theatre tomorrow." Ken: "Oh that's good." Dad: "Good? Good?? What do you know about it? What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris... back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footballer· That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!" Mum: "Oh, don't shout at the boy, father." Dad: "Aye, 'ampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it? ... you had to go poncing off to BarnsIey, you and yer coal-mining friends." (spits)
'Ypres 1914' - Abandoned
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Sergeant: "Got a family of your own 'ave you?" Jenkins: "No, she's ... she's all I got left now. My wife, Doreen ... she .. I got a letter..." Sergeant: "You don't have to tell me, son." Jenkins: "No, sarge, I'd like to tell you, see this place..." (Cut to long shot of bunker. Floor manager strides on to set.) Floor Manager: "Hold it. Hold it. Look, loves ... can anyone not involved in this scene, please leave the set. (he starts to herd out anyone not in First War costume) Now! Come on please. Anyone not concerned in this scene, the canteen's open upstairs. (sheikh, male mermaid etc. troop off) Now come on please. (to soldiers) Sorry loves. Sorry. We'll have to take it again, from the top. All fight. OK... Cue!"
Eighteenth-century Social Legislation
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Tonight I want to examine the whole question of eighteenth-century social legislation - its relevance to the hierarchical structure of post-Renaissance society, and its impact on the future of parochial organization in an expanding agrarian economy. But first a bit of fun. Cut to film of eight-second striptease.
Election Night Special
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Well this is a highly significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
Erizabeth L
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
It's bleeding weird having half the Tudor nobility ligging around on motorized bicycles.
Expedition to Lake Pahoe
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Right. Now quite simply the approach to Lake Pahoe is up the steps, and then we come to the shores of the lake. Now, I'm going to press the bell just to see if there's anyone in. Man: (answering) Hello? Sir John: Good morning - I'm looking for a Lake Pahoe. Man: There's a Mr Padgett. Sir John: No, no a lake.
Farming Club
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
John Cobbley is the Musical and Artistic Director of Covent Garden. He is himself a talented musician, he is a world famous authority on nineteenth-century Russian music and he's come into the studio tonight to talk about Tschaikowsky, which is a bit of a pity as this is 'Farming Club'.
Girls Boarding School
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Hanging from the middle of the ceiling is a goat with light bulbs hanging from each foot.
Hell's Grannies
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.
Hermits
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
You know it takes me two hours every morning to get out onto the moors, collect my berries, chastise myself, and two hours back in the evening.
Hospital Run by R.S.M.
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
'Fractured tibia, sergeant'? Ooh. Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we?
How Far Can a Minister Fall?
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Quite recently the Kenyan Minister for Agric. and Fish fell nearly twelve miles during a Nairobi debate in Parliament, although this hasn't been ratified yet.
Inspector Flying Fox of the Yard
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public.
Language Laboratory
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
“I see, well, you want our 'Life and Soul of the Party' tape then, I think … it's sort of 'Ello squire, haven't seen you for a bit, haven't seen you for a bit either, Beryl. Two pints of wallop please, love. Still driving the Jensen then? Cheer up Jack it may never happen, what's your poison then?'”
Letters to 'Daily Mirror'
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Dear Mirror View, I would like to be paid five guineas for saying something stupid about a television show. Yours sincerely, Mrs Sybil Agro.
Lifeboat (Cannibalism)
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Why don't those of us who want to, eat Johnson, then you, sir, can eat my leg and then we'll make a stock of the Captain and then after that we can eat the rest of Johnson cold for supper.
Man Turns Into Scotsman
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Mrs Podgorny, knitting: "Angus, how are y'going to get 48,000,000 kilts into the van?" Angus: "I'll have t'do it in two goes." Mrs Podgorny: "D'you not ken that the Galaxy of Andromeda is two million, two hundred thousand light years away?" Angus: "Is that so?" Mrs Podgorny: "Aye ... and you've never been further than Berwick-on-Tweed..."
Molluscs - 'Live' TV Documentary
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Zorba: "Yes, the mollusc is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of the you know what." Mrs Jalin: "Disgusting!" Mr Jalin: "Ought not to be allowed." Zorba: "The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-blooded little beast with its tent-like shell is always on the job. Its extra-marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face. How am I doing?" Mrs Jalin: "Disgusting." Mr Jalin: "But more interesting."
Mortuary Hour
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Radio Voice: "It's 9 o'clock and time for 'Mortuary Hour'. An hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery for all those who work in mortuaries, introduced as usual by Shirley Bassey" (sinister chords) Shirley: "Well, we're going to kick straight off this week with our Mortuary Quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready."
New Brain from Curry's
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
First Zambesi: "You ought to go and see a psychiatrist. You're a loony. You might even need a new brain." Second Zambesi: "Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain." First Zambesi: "Well, you could get one of those Curry's brains." Second Zambesi: "How much are they?" First Zambesi, picking up a catalogue: "I don't know. I'll have a look in the catalogue. Here we are. Battery lights, dynamo lights, rear lights, brains -- here we are..." Second Zambesi: "I'm still confused." First Zambesi: "Oh, there's a nice one here, thirteen-and-six, it's one of Curry's own brains."
Non-illegal Robbery
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Crime Boss: "Right ... this is the plan then.....At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre, where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me £5.18.3d. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a watch costing £5.18.3d. I shall then give the watch to you, Vic....All right, any questions?" Larry: "We don't seem to be doing anything illegal." Boss: "What do you mean?" Larry: "Well ... we're paying for the watch."
Old Lady Snoopers
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Jones and Palin
Enid, looking discreetly through curtain: "Who's that shouting?" Gladys: "It's a man outside Number 24." Enid: "Try it on the five inch, Gladys." Gladys: (looking at the array of telescopes) "I can't. I've got that fixed on the Baileys at Number 13. Their new lodger moves in today." Enid: All right, hold 13 on the five-inch and transfer the Cartwrights to the digital scanner."






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