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Chapman, Idle and Jones


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The Dirty Vicar Sketch
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
Chivers, the butler, announces the new Vicar: "The Reverend Ronald Simms, the Dirty Vicar of St Michael's ...(goosed)... ooh!" Vicar: "Corr! What a lovely bit of stuff. I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers!"
The Flasher
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
(we see an announcer eating a yoghurt) Announcer: (seeing camera) "Oh ... er ... oh ... urn! Oh!...er... (shuffles paper) I'm sorry ... and now frontal nudity."
The Man Who Collects Birdwatchers' Eggs
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
He is usually found in Surrey hedgerows, but I found this one in the gents at St Pancras, uneaten.
The Spam Sketch
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
Man: "You sit here, dear." Wife: "All right." Man: (to Waitress) "Morning!" Waitress: "Morning!" Man: "Well, what've you got?" Waitress: "Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam." Vikings: (singing in tenor harmony) "Spam spam spam spam..."
Tory Housewives Clean-up Campaign
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
Old newsreel style voice over: "...And those continentals had better watch out for their dirty foreign literature. Jean-Paul Sartre and Jean Genet won't know what's hit them. Never mind the foulness of their language - come '73 they'll all have to write in British. (housewives burning books: 'Bertrand Russell', 'Das Kapital', the 'Guardian ', 'Sartre', 'Freud') You can keep your fastidious continental bidets Mrs Foreigner - Mrs Britain knows how to keep her feet clean ... but she'll baffle like bingo boys when it comes to keeping the television screen clean..."
Tudor Jobs Agency
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
Assistant: "Morning, sir, can I help you?" Customer: "Yes, yes... I wondered if you have any part-time vacancies on your books." Assistant: "Part-time, I'll have a look, sir. (he gets out a book and looks through it) Let me look now. We've got, ah yes, Sir Walter Raleigh is equipping another expedition to Virginia; he needs traders and sailors. Vittlers needed at:the Court of Philip of Spain, oh, yes, and they want master joiners and craftsmen for the building of the Globe Theatre." Customer: "I see. Have you anything a bit more modern, you know, like a job on the buses, or digging the underground?"
Vicar/Salesman
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
Vicar: Hello, "I'm your new vicar. Can I interest you in any encyclopaedias?" Mrs Shazam: "Ah, no thank you. We're not Church people, thank you." (The vicar opens his suitcase to reveal it is packed with brushes.) Vicar: "How about brushes? Nylon or bristle? Strong-tufted, attractive colours." Mrs Shazam: "No - really, thank you, vicar. "
Flying Sheep
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their behavior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their back legs. Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet. Observe for example that ewe in that oak tree. She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly. (baaaaaa...thump)
Gorilla Librarian
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
“Yes, yes. Now Mr Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities ... Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience ... coupled with the fact that, uh, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.”
Icelandic Honey Week
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
He can't eat honey. It makes him go plop plops.
Interruptions
   was performed by   
Chapman, Idle and Jones
And don't zoom in on me, no I'm off, I'm off. That's it. That's all. I'm off.






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