Cleese and Idle
"THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD FOR THE LAST ITEM. IT WAS DISGUSTING & BAD & THOROUGHLY DISOBEDIENT ... THE BBC IS GOING THROUGH AN UNHAPPY PHASE AT THE MOMENT - WHAT WITH ITS FATHER DYING & THE MORTGAGE & BBC 2 GOING OUT WITH MEN.'"
"Welcome to 'It's a Tree'. We have some really exiting guests for you this evening ... an exciting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this programme, a piece of laminated plastic."
"Good morning, I am a bank robber. Er, please don't panic, just hand over all your money. Assistant (politely): This is a lingerie shop, sir."
" So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now ... This is indeed a grim day for the human race, Dan … But what's this? Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and forks... what are they going to do?"
Here you made your special introductory offer of a free dead dog with every jar
First Man: "That was Wilkins." Second Man: "That was Wilkins. He was a good, good, er, golfer, Wilkins." First Man: "Very good golfer. Very good golfer. Rotten at finance. It'll be Parkinson next." Second Man: "Bet you it won't." First Man: "How much?" Second Man: "What?" First Man: "How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?" Second Man: "All right."
Interviewer: "Good morning." Candidate (Stig): "Good morning." Interviewer, writing: "Tell me why did you say 'good morning' when you know perfectly well that it's afternoon?" Stig: "Well, well, you said 'good morning'. Ha, ha." Interviewer, shaking head: "Good afternoon." Stig: "Ah, good afternoon?" Interviewer: "Oh dear! (writes again) Good evening." Stig: "... Goodbye?"
Stock Exchange Analyst: "Trading was crisp at the start of the day with some brisk business on the floor. Rubber hardened and string remained confident. Little bits of tin consolidated although biscuits sank after an early gain and stools remained anonymous......"
Presenter: "Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bull-fighting. They say it's not only cruel, vicious and immoral, but also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive with four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bull-fighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard. Given this basic inequality what can be done to make bull-fighting safer? We asked Brigadier Arthur Farquar-Smith, Chairman of the British Well-Basically Club...."
Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Interviewer: "Good evening, and welcome once again to the Epilogue. On the programme this evening we have Monsignor Edward Gay, visiting Pastoral Emissary of the Somerset Theological College and author of a number of books about belief, the most recent of which is the best seller 'My God'. And opposite him we have Dr Tom Jack: humanist, broadcaster, lecturer and author of the book 'Hello Sailor'. Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non-existence of God, they have decided to fight for it. The existence, or non-existence, to be determined by two falls, two submissions, or a knockout. All right boys, let's get to it. Your master of ceremonies for this evening - Mr Arthur Waring."
Opening shot: ...a Scotsman lying on his back with his knees drawn up in the middle of a field. Two Russian bomb experts are crawling towards him cautiously. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN DISPOSAL SQUAD' They go to work on him. Tense close ups. They sweat. Finally they remove his head. One of them runs hurriedly and places it in a bucket labelled 'Vodka '. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'WHISKY' The sound of drunken gurglings comes from the bucket.
Tonight on 'Face the Press' we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister for Home Affairs ... And on my right - putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of brown liquid ... (cut to patch of liquid on seat of chair) which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing.
“Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis … 9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan … And now time for this week's request death.”
Here's one specially recommended by the board of Irresponsible People.
Having once identified a mason immediate steps must be taken to isolate him from the general public. Having accomplished that it is now possible to cure him of these unfortunate masonic tendencies through the use of behavioural psychotherapy.
Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, ... but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
And from France there's a superb exhibition of rather silly behaviour by the Friends of the Free French Osteopaths.
2nd Interviewer: I didn't really call you Eddie-baby, did I, sweetie? Ross: Don't call me sweetie!! 2nd Interviewer: Can I call you sugar plum? Ross: No! 2nd Interviewer: Pussy cat? Ross: No. 2nd Interviewer: Angel-drawers?
Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing. As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty. 'Denmark has never laughed so much' - 'The Stage'. Nice little novelty number -... breaks the ice at parties. ... Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. 'Black soap' - leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers. Can't get it off for hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties.
Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up.
Mr Man applying at Mary (Army) Recruiting: "Yes. I was just thinking, you know, if it was possible for me to have my choice ... I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps." R.S.M.: "Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here normally go straight into the Scots Guards." Mr Man: "Which is all... men... I suppose?" R.S.M.: "Yes it is." Mr Man: "Yes. Are there any regiments which are more effeminate than others?" R.S.M.: "Well, no sir. I mean, apart from the Marines, they're all dead butch."
Voice Over: "But the hunt is not over. With well practiced skill Hank skins the mosquito. (Hank produces an enormous curved knife and begins to start skinning the tiny mosquito) The wings of a fully grown male mosquito can in fact fetch anything up to .08 of a penny on the open market. (shot of them walking, carrying weapons) The long day is over and it's back to base camp for a night's rest. (inside villa; Hank is cleaning bazooka) Here, surrounded by their trophies Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal - a moth hunt!"
Politician: "...We hope ... that in the aut-tumn we shall int-ro-duce leg-is-lat-tion in the House to bene-fit all those in low-er in-come groups. And fur-ther-more we hope... " Choreographer: "No, no, no, no... look, luv, it's and... (does the movements) one and two and three and four, and five and six and seven and down."