Idle and Jones
Announcer: "And now for something completely the same - a man with three buttocks. (phone on desk rings - he answers) Hullo? ... Oh, did we? (puts phone down and looks at camera) And now for something completely different. A man with three noses."
Man: "Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!" Customer: "Two choc-ices please." Man: "I haven't got choc-ices. I only got the albatross. Albatross!" Customer: "What flavour is it?" Man: "It's a bird, innit. It's a bloody sea bird . .. it's not any bloody flavour. Albatross!"
"we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, 'Two Sheds'. "
"Chris: It's really different this time, mum. I'm really going to look after this ant. Mother: That's what you said about the sperm whale... now your papa's having to use it as a garage."
Have you heard the one about the three nuns in the nudist colony?
You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week
Old Lady: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, it's so nice to see such a large turnout this afternoon. And I'd like to start off by welcoming our guest speakers for this afternoon,... Mr Wadsworth..." Wordsworth: "Wordsworth!" Old Lady: "Sorry, Wordsworth... Mr John Koots, and Percy Bysshe." Shelley: "Shelley!" Old Lady: "Just a little one, medium dry, (a dwarf assistant pours her a sherry) and Alfred Lorde." Tennyson: "Tennyson." Old Lady: "Tennis ball!" Tennyson: "Son! Son!"
Man in loud and high pitched voice "I wish to report a burglary." First Sergeant: "Report a what?" Man in a ridiculous high pitch squeak: "Burglary!" First Sergeant: "That's the exact frequency... now keep it there." (another sergeant enters and goes round to back of counter) Second Sergeant in high pitched voice: "Hello, sarge!" First Sergeant in very deep voice: "Evening Charlie."
Interviewer: "Now if you and your pal had one big wish, Trevor, what would you like to see on television?" Trevor: "I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police." (fairy godmother trips lightly into shot)
Waiter: "That's all right sir, we get all sorts of lines in here. The head waiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments, and now if you'll excuse me I have to go and commit suicide."
Presenter: "Good evening and welcome to another edition of 'Storage Jars'. On tonight's programme Mikos Antoniarkis, the Greek rebel leader who seized power in Athens this morning, tells us what he keeps in storage jars."
Chivers, the butler, announces the new Vicar: "The Reverend Ronald Simms, the Dirty Vicar of St Michael's ...(goosed)... ooh!" Vicar: "Corr! What a lovely bit of stuff. I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers!"
(we see an announcer eating a yoghurt) Announcer: (seeing camera) "Oh ... er ... oh ... urn! Oh!...er... (shuffles paper) I'm sorry ... and now frontal nudity."
START OF SKETCH - Voice Over: "'The free repitition of doubtful words - skit, spoof, jape or vignette, by a very under-rated writer." END OF SKETCH - Voice Over: "The free repitition of doubtful words thing, by a justly under-hated writer - The End"
He is usually found in Surrey hedgerows, but I found this one in the gents at St Pancras, uneaten.
Minister: "Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently, and so it takes me rather longer to get to work. Now then, what was it again?" Mr Pudey: "Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it." Minister: "I see. May I see your silly walk?" Mr Pudey:... gets up and does a few steps, lifting the bottom part of his left leg sharply at every alternate pace... Minister: "lt's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step." Mr Pudey: "Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly."
Man: "You sit here, dear." Wife: "All right." Man: (to Waitress) "Morning!" Waitress: "Morning!" Man: "Well, what've you got?" Waitress: "Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam." Vikings: (singing in tenor harmony) "Spam spam spam spam..."
Customer: "Good morning." Shopkeeper: "Good morning, sir. Can I help you?" Customer: "Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me." Shopkeeper: "Yes, sir?" Customer: "I come about your advert - 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'." Shopkeeper: "Ah. You wish to buy it?" Customer: "That's fight. Just for the hour. Only I aint gonna pay more'n a fiver cos it aint worth it." Shopkeeper: "Well it's come from a very good home - it's house trained." (and on and on it goes....you get the drift)
Old newsreel style voice over: "...And those continentals had better watch out for their dirty foreign literature. Jean-Paul Sartre and Jean Genet won't know what's hit them. Never mind the foulness of their language - come '73 they'll all have to write in British. (housewives burning books: 'Bertrand Russell', 'Das Kapital', the 'Guardian ', 'Sartre', 'Freud') You can keep your fastidious continental bidets Mrs Foreigner - Mrs Britain knows how to keep her feet clean ... but she'll baffle like bingo boys when it comes to keeping the television screen clean..."
Assistant: "Morning, sir, can I help you?" Customer: "Yes, yes... I wondered if you have any part-time vacancies on your books." Assistant: "Part-time, I'll have a look, sir. (he gets out a book and looks through it) Let me look now. We've got, ah yes, Sir Walter Raleigh is equipping another expedition to Virginia; he needs traders and sailors. Vittlers needed at:the Court of Philip of Spain, oh, yes, and they want master joiners and craftsmen for the building of the Globe Theatre." Customer: "I see. Have you anything a bit more modern, you know, like a job on the buses, or digging the underground?"
Vicar: Hello, "I'm your new vicar. Can I interest you in any encyclopaedias?" Mrs Shazam: "Ah, no thank you. We're not Church people, thank you." (The vicar opens his suitcase to reveal it is packed with brushes.) Vicar: "How about brushes? Nylon or bristle? Strong-tufted, attractive colours." Mrs Shazam: "No - really, thank you, vicar. "
It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their behavior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their back legs. Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet. Observe for example that ewe in that oak tree. She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly. (baaaaaa...thump)
Stig: "Je vois que vous avez un chou." (subtitle: 'I see that you have a cabbage') Girl: "Oui." (subtitle: 'Yes')
â€œYes, yes. Now Mr Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities ... Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience ... coupled with the fact that, uh, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.â€
He can't eat honey. It makes him go plop plops.
And don't zoom in on me, no I'm off, I'm off. That's it. That's all. I'm off.
Doctor: "Mr. Bertenshaw?" Mr. Bertshaw: "Me, Doctor?" Doctor: "No, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw." Mr. Bertshaw: "My wife, doctor..." Doctor: "No, your wife patient." Nursing Sister: "Come with me, please." Mr. Bertshaw: "Me, Sister?" Doctor: "No, she Sister, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw."
News reader: "In Fulham this morning a jeweller's shop was broken into and jewellery to the value of Â£2,000 stolen. Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview. (on the screen behind, him, there appears an identical picture of him, sitting at his news reader desk) Ah, they say, however, that acting on his information they now wish to interview a news reader in the central London area."
Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more...know what I mean?