Director: Terry Gilliam. Also starred Uma Thurman, Robin Williams and Peter Jeffrey.
Director: Terry Jones / Terry Gilliam. Also starred Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones & Michael Palin. Plot: The comedy team takes a look at life in all its stages in their own uniquely silly way
"we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, 'Two Sheds'. "
"Chris: It's really different this time, mum. I'm really going to look after this ant. Mother: That's what you said about the sperm whale... now your papa's having to use it as a garage."
"Sport: capital punishment is to be re-introduced in the first and second division. Any player found tackling from behind or controlling the ball with the lower part of the arm will be hanged. But the electric chair remains the standard punishment for threatening the goalie."
"open the door, let me in please. Woman: If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias. Man: I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly." Woman: Promise. No encyclopaedias?"
"Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector. "
Sadly, David Niven cannot be with us tonight, but he has sent his fridge.
You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week
Second Cricketer: "... the symbol of man's regeneration through radical Marxism ... fair enough ... but, but we never once get a chance to see him turn his off-breaks on that Brisbane sticky." Third Cricketer: "Aye, and what were all that dancing through Ray Illingworth's innings? Forty-seven not out and the bird comes up and feeds him some grapes!"
First Man: "That was Wilkins." Second Man: "That was Wilkins. He was a good, good, er, golfer, Wilkins." First Man: "Very good golfer. Very good golfer. Rotten at finance. It'll be Parkinson next." Second Man: "Bet you it won't." First Man: "How much?" Second Man: "What?" First Man: "How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?" Second Man: "All right."
Old Lady: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, it's so nice to see such a large turnout this afternoon. And I'd like to start off by welcoming our guest speakers for this afternoon,... Mr Wadsworth..." Wordsworth: "Wordsworth!" Old Lady: "Sorry, Wordsworth... Mr John Koots, and Percy Bysshe." Shelley: "Shelley!" Old Lady: "Just a little one, medium dry, (a dwarf assistant pours her a sherry) and Alfred Lorde." Tennyson: "Tennyson." Old Lady: "Tennis ball!" Tennyson: "Son! Son!"
Man in loud and high pitched voice "I wish to report a burglary." First Sergeant: "Report a what?" Man in a ridiculous high pitch squeak: "Burglary!" First Sergeant: "That's the exact frequency... now keep it there." (another sergeant enters and goes round to back of counter) Second Sergeant in high pitched voice: "Hello, sarge!" First Sergeant in very deep voice: "Evening Charlie."
Interviewer: "Now if you and your pal had one big wish, Trevor, what would you like to see on television?" Trevor: "I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police." (fairy godmother trips lightly into shot)
Indian: "When moon high over prairie ... when wolf howl over mountain, when mighty wind roar through Yellow Valley, we go Leatherhead Rep - block booking, upper circle - whole tribe get it on 3/6d each."
Presenter: "Professor, you've spent many years researching into things, what do you think?" Professor: "I think it's too early to tell."
Stock Exchange Analyst: "Trading was crisp at the start of the day with some brisk business on the floor. Rubber hardened and string remained confident. Little bits of tin consolidated although biscuits sank after an early gain and stools remained anonymous......"
1st Voice Over: "In the second quarter of the fifth century, the Huns became a byword for merciless savagery. Their Khan was the mighty warrior Attila. With his devastating armies he swept across Central Europe." (cut to American-living-room-type set. Doorbell rings. Attila the Hun enters the door) Attila: "Oh darling, I'm home."
Mr Vernon: "Hello, madam... "(comes in) Mrs Long Name: "Ah hello... you must have come about..." Mr Vernon: "Finishing the sentences, yes." Mrs Long Name: "Oh... well... perhaps you'd like to..." Mr Vernon: "Come through this way... certainly."
Interviewer: "The Magna Carta - was it a document signed at Runnymede in 1215 by King John pledging independence to the English barons, or was it a piece of chewing gum on a bedspread in Dorset? The latter idea is the brainchild of a man new to the field of historical research. Mr Badger, why - why are you on this programme?" (Pull back to show Mr Badger. He wears a flat cap and has a Scots accent) Badger: "Well, I think I can answer this question most successfully in mime." (mimes incomprehensibly) Interviewer: "But why Dorset?" Badger: "Well, I have for a long time been suffering from a species of brain injury which I incurred during the rigours of childbirth, and I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose." Interviewer: "Mr Badger, I think you're the silliest person we've ever had on this programme, and so I'm going to ask you to have dinner with me."
Officer: "Have you read this, sir?" (holds up notice) Man: "No! Oh, yes, yes - yes." Officer: "Anything to declare?" Man: "Yes ... no! No! No! No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase no..." Officer: "No watches, cameras, radio sets?" Man: "Oh yes ... four watches ... no, no, no. No. One... one watch...No, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no." Officer: Which country have you been visiting, sir? Man: "Switzerland ... er ... no ... no ... not Switzerland ... er ... not Switzerland, it began with S but it wasn't Switzerland... oh what could it be? Terribly bad memory for names. What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?" Officer: "Spain?" Man: "Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm." Officer: "The label says 'Zurich', sir."
Interviewer: "Good evening, and welcome once again to the Epilogue. On the programme this evening we have Monsignor Edward Gay, visiting Pastoral Emissary of the Somerset Theological College and author of a number of books about belief, the most recent of which is the best seller 'My God'. And opposite him we have Dr Tom Jack: humanist, broadcaster, lecturer and author of the book 'Hello Sailor'. Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non-existence of God, they have decided to fight for it. The existence, or non-existence, to be determined by two falls, two submissions, or a knockout. All right boys, let's get to it. Your master of ceremonies for this evening - Mr Arthur Waring."
Old newsreel style voice over: "...And those continentals had better watch out for their dirty foreign literature. Jean-Paul Sartre and Jean Genet won't know what's hit them. Never mind the foulness of their language - come '73 they'll all have to write in British. (housewives burning books: 'Bertrand Russell', 'Das Kapital', the 'Guardian ', 'Sartre', 'Freud') You can keep your fastidious continental bidets Mrs Foreigner - Mrs Britain knows how to keep her feet clean ... but she'll baffle like bingo boys when it comes to keeping the television screen clean..."
Vicar: Hello, "I'm your new vicar. Can I interest you in any encyclopaedias?" Mrs Shazam: "Ah, no thank you. We're not Church people, thank you." (The vicar opens his suitcase to reveal it is packed with brushes.) Vicar: "How about brushes? Nylon or bristle? Strong-tufted, attractive colours." Mrs Shazam: "No - really, thank you, vicar. "
Tourist: "Yes I quite agree I mean what's the point of being treated like sheep. What's the point of going abroad if you're just another tourist carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Coventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their Sunday Mirrors, complaining about the tea - 'Oh they don't make it properly here, do they, not like at home' - and stopping at Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in their cotton frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh 'cos they 'overdid it on the first day'."
Major: "Right now, the man who gets the shortest strain knows what to do." Sergeant: "Looks like you, sir." Major: "Is it? What did we say, the longest straw was it?" Sergeant: "No, shortest, sir." Major: "Well we'd better do it again, there's obviously been a bit of a muddle."
We established base salon here, and climbed quite steadily up to Mario's here. From here using crampons and cutting ice steps as we went, we moved steadily up the Lhotse Face to the North Ridge, establishing camp three where we could get a hot meal, a manicure, and a shampoo and set.
And from France there's a superb exhibition of rather silly behaviour by the Friends of the Free French Osteopaths.
“Emerging from the dense undergrowth are two pygmy warriors pulling the four explorers who are roped together ... 3rd Explorer: That was a nasty business back at the restaurant. 1st Explorer: Yes, I thought most places took Barclaycard nowadays.”
Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up.
“Builders haven't been then … Mrs Potter: 'Ere, there's Alfred Lord Tennyson in the bathroom. Mr Potter: Well, at least the poet's been installed, then.”
Mr Man applying at Mary (Army) Recruiting: "Yes. I was just thinking, you know, if it was possible for me to have my choice ... I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps." R.S.M.: "Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here normally go straight into the Scots Guards." Mr Man: "Which is all... men... I suppose?" R.S.M.: "Yes it is." Mr Man: "Yes. Are there any regiments which are more effeminate than others?" R.S.M.: "Well, no sir. I mean, apart from the Marines, they're all dead butch."
Voice Over: "But the hunt is not over. With well practiced skill Hank skins the mosquito. (Hank produces an enormous curved knife and begins to start skinning the tiny mosquito) The wings of a fully grown male mosquito can in fact fetch anything up to .08 of a penny on the open market. (shot of them walking, carrying weapons) The long day is over and it's back to base camp for a night's rest. (inside villa; Hank is cleaning bazooka) Here, surrounded by their trophies Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal - a moth hunt!"
Norwegian: "Ik tvika nasai..." (subtitle: 'Good evening') Norwegian: "...Stivianka sobjiord ki niyanska ik takka Norge weginda zokiy yniet..." (subtitle: You may think it strange that we should be asking you to vote Norwegian at the next election') Norwegian: "...Ik vietta nogiunda sti jibiora..." (subtitle: 'But consider the advantages') Norwegian: "Sti glikka in Norge tijik dinstianna gildoosi stiiioska kary." (subtitle: 'We have an annual re-investment rate of 14%') Norwegian: "E in Norge we haua siddinkarvo dikinik chaila osto tykka hennakska." (subtitle: 'And girls with massive knockers!')
Surgeon: "Right, I'm ready to make the incision. Knife please, sister (takes knife) What's that supposed to be. Give me a big one.. (takes big knife and strops it on steel sharpener) . . . oh I do enjoy this. Right. (he stabs the body and makes a slit four feet long) Oh what a great slit. Now, gentlemen, I am going to open the slit." (he pulls it apart. The song gets louder. The head of a squatter pops out) Squatter: "Too much man, groovy, great scene. Great light show, baby!"
Veronica: "Hello, last week on 'Party Hints' I showed you how to rnake a small plate of goulash go round twenty-six people, how to get the best out of your canapes, and how to unblock your loo. This week I'm going to tell you what to do if there is an armed communist uprising near your home when you're having a party."
28 August 2005 for 1 week
Knights who say "Ni!", murderous bunnies, insulting Frenchmen, flying cows, and the most one-sided swordfight in movie history.
Aka, Interior with a Sleeping Maid and Her Mistress; 1655, oil on wood; National Gallery, London