Monty Python's Flying Circus - The Sketches
|Your overall rating on Monty Python's Flying Circus - The Sketches = |
|Your best rally score on Monty Python's Flying Circus - The Sketches = 0 facts|
This subject only includes sketches from the "Monty Python's Flying Circus" television series, originally broadcast by the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) between October 1969 and December 1974. The performers listed have been limited to the original Monty Python writers/performers, namely Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones.
|372 facts:||<< Prev Next >>|
Maid: "Oh my God, what a mess. 'Ere, did you do this?" Man: "No, no. I didn't do all this. It... it did it all." Maid: "Oh? Well... 'ere, hold this. I'll get started." (She hands him a dagger)
Voice Over: "After the show why not visit the La Gondola Restaurant......The manager Mr Luigi Vercotti will be pleased to welcome you and introduce you to a wide variety of famous Sicilian delicacies.......Yes, for an evening you will never forget - it's the La Gondola Restaurant, Chelsea, Parkhurst, Dartmoor and the Scrubs." (the police remove Mr Vercotti)
Cardinal Ximiaez: "I use two kinds of aftershave lotions - Frankincense, Myrrh - THREE kinds of aftershave lotions, Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood - FOUR kinds of aftershave lotion. Frankincense, ...."
Inspector Tiger: "This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I ... I ... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?"
Inspector: "I suggest you murdered your father for his seat reservation." Tony: "I may have had the motive, inspector, but I could not have done it, for I have only just arrived from Gillingham on the 8.13 and here's my restaurant car ticket to prove it." Jasmina: "The 8. 13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car." John: "It's a standing buffet only." Tony: "Oh, er... did I say the 8.13? I meant the 7.58 stopping train."
Man: "Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!" Customer: "Two choc-ices please." Man: "I haven't got choc-ices. I only got the albatross. Albatross!" Customer: "What flavour is it?" Man: "It's a bird, innit. It's a bloody sea bird . .. it's not any bloody flavour. Albatross!"
Voice Over: "Tony M. Nyphot's Flying Risccu."
Singer: (to the tune of Jerusalem) "And did those teeth in ancient time...... walk upon England's mountains green. (he stops playing) Good evening and welcome ladies and gentlemen. At this time we'd like to up the tempo a little, change the mood. We've got a number requested by Pip, Pauline, Nigel, Tarquin, and old Spotty - Tarquin's mother - a little number specially written for the pubescence of ex-King Zog of Albania..."
Anne Elk: (clears throat) "This theory, which belongs to me, is as follows... (more throat clearing) This is how it goes... (clears throat) The next thing that I am about to say is my theory. (clears throat) Ready?"
Chris: "Oh, where do I go to complain?" Lift Woman: "Straight on, then left, then fight past the thing, then, up the little stairs, then right by where it's gone all soft, then down the wobbly bit, past the nail, past the brown stain on the wall to your fight and it's the door marked exit straight ahead of you on the left." Chris: "Thank you."
"THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD FOR THE LAST ITEM. IT WAS DISGUSTING & BAD & THOROUGHLY DISOBEDIENT ... THE BBC IS GOING THROUGH AN UNHAPPY PHASE AT THE MOMENT - WHAT WITH ITS FATHER DYING & THE MORTGAGE & BBC 2 GOING OUT WITH MEN.'"
"the next scene ... contains scenes of violence ... There are also scenes of naked women with floppy breasts, and also at one point you can see a pair of buttocks and there's another bit where I'll swear you can see everything, but my friend says it's just the way he's holding the spear."
"IT WAS NEVER OUR INTENTION TO IMPLY THAT POLITICIANS ARE WEAK-KNEED, POLITICAL TIME-SERVERS WHO ARE CONCERNED MORE WITH THEIR PERSONAL VENDETTAS & PRIVATE POWER STRUGGLES THAN THE PROBLEMS OF GOVERNMENT "
"I'd like to talk to you tonight about a minority group of people who have no mental or physical handicaps and, who, through no fault of their own, have never been deprived, and consequently are forced to live in conditions of extreme luxury."
" I'll do what I like, because I'm six foot five and I eat punks like you for breakfast."
Mr. Wiggin: "You see, I mainly design slaughter houses." City Gent #1: "Yes. Pity." Mr. Wiggin: "Mind you, this is a real beaut. I mean, none of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows inconveniencing passers-by with this one. I mean, my life has been building up to this." City Gent #2: "Yes, and well done, huh, but we did want a block of flats."
"Man: Look, this isn't an argument. Mr Vibrating: Yes it is. Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction. Mr Vibrating: No it isn't."
"Thank you and now for the fish - the fish down the trousers. (the RSM picks up fish and puts it down Mr Man's trousers) It's your laugh mate it's not mine. It's your trousers - not my trousers"
"the whole premise is silly and it's very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I haven't had a funny line yet. So I'm stopping it."
"Good evening. I'd like to talk to you tonight about the place of the nude in my bed ... um ... in the history of my bed ... of art, of art, I'm sorry. The place of the nude in the history of tart"
"Yes take my word for it, Marge. Kevin's eaten most of the early nineteenth-century British landscape artists, and I've learned not to worry. As a matter of fact, I feel a bit peckish myself."
"Cherub: Dad... it's the man from 'The Hay Wain' by Constable to see you. ... Bumpkin: We just been moved in next to a room full of Brueghels ... terrible bloody din. Skating all hours of the night. Anyway, I just dropped in to tell you there's been a walk-out in the Impressionists."
"Welcome to 'It's a Tree'. We have some really exiting guests for you this evening ... an exciting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this programme, a piece of laminated plastic."
"we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, 'Two Sheds'. "
"Chris: It's really different this time, mum. I'm really going to look after this ant. Mother: That's what you said about the sperm whale... now your papa's having to use it as a garage."
"ANIMATION: a vicious rampaging bun. Voice Over: Well that's all for Attila the Bun, and now - idiots!"
1st Voice Over: "In the second quarter of the fifth century, the Huns became a byword for merciless savagery. Their Khan was the mighty warrior Attila. With his devastating armies he swept across Central Europe." (cut to American-living-room-type set. Doorbell rings. Attila the Hun enters the door) Attila: "Oh darling, I'm home."
"Yes, it's Attila the Nun â€¦ A simple country girl who took a vow of eternal brutality."
"Lady Chairman, sir, shareholders, ladies and gentlemen. I have great pleasure in announcing that owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure of 12,000,000 Canadian dollars, plus a refund of 7 1/2 million Deutschmarks from the Swiss branch, and in addition adding the debenture preference stock of the 3 3/4 million to the directors' reserve currency account of 7 1/2 million, plus an upward expenditure margin of 11 1/2 1000 lira, due to a rise in capital investment of 10,000,000 pounds, this firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling."
"He has been dead for four years, but he has not let that prevent him from coming here this evening."
"Good morning, I am a bank robber. Er, please don't panic, just hand over all your money. Assistant (politely): This is a lingerie shop, sir."
Bovril: "Morning, squadron leader." Squadron Leader: "What-ho, Squiffy." Bovril: "How was it?" Squadron Leader: "Top hole! Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie." Bovril: "Errr, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader."
"Ladies and gentlemen, the World of History is proud to present the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild's re-enactment of 'The Battle of Pearl Harbour' ... the two sides set about each other with handbags etc., speeded up 50% just to give it a bit of edge."
"off we go, then with the Barley Townswomen's Guild re-enactment of the first heart transplant ... The two groups of ladies rush at each other. They end up in the sea, rolling about splashing, and thumping each other with handbags."
Commentator: "Warwickshire had dismissed the Kalahari Batsmen for 140, and then it was their turn to face this extraordinary Kalahari attack. Pratt was the first to go, but Pratt and Pratt put on a second wicket stand of nought, which was broken by Odinga in his most hostile mood..." (cut to a bowler thundering towards the wicket.....as he reaches the crease he produces a spear and raises it to shoulder height and hurls it)
News reader: "The BBC wishes to deny rumours that it is going into liquidation. Mrs Kelly, who owns the flat where they live, has said that they can stay on till the end of the month ..."
"Sport: capital punishment is to be re-introduced in the first and second division. Any player found tackling from behind or controlling the ball with the lower part of the arm will be hanged. But the electric chair remains the standard punishment for threatening the goalie."
"Well, if you're going out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohns coming for tea so don't forget to order some pikelets."
Mr F. G. Superman has a secret identity...when trouble strikes at any time...at any place...he is ready to become... Bicycle Repair Man!
"You must call me Mr Biggles, or Group Captain Biggles or Mary Biggles if I'm dressed as my wife, but never seÃ±or â€¦ Now, when I've got these antlers on - when I've got these antlers on I am dictating and when I take them off I am not dictating."
Opening credits of a crime thriller: C. OF E. Films - In Association With The Sunday Schools Board - Present - THE BISHOP - Starring The Reverend E. P. Nesbitt - And Introducing F. B. Grimsby UrqhartT-Wright As The Voice Of God - Special Effects By The Moderator Of The Church Of Scotland - Directed By Prebendary - "Chopper" Harris
Bishop: "'Oh Mr Belpit your legs are so swollen' ... swollen .. 'Oh Mr Belpit - oh Mr Belpit your legs are so swollen'. (tries a different voice) 'Oh Mr Belpit., .'"
"No, it's all right, sir, we don't morally censure, we just want the money....Yes, and here's the address to send it to: 'BLACKMAIL, BEHIND THE HOT WATER PIPES, THIRD WASHROOM ALONG, VICTORIA STATION'"
" So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now ... This is indeed a grim day for the human race, Dan â€¦ But what's this? Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and forks... what are they going to do?"
"I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare? â€¦ Ta the mnemot I'm wroking on 'The Mating of the Wersh'."
"We have a lot of problems here with bogus psychiatrists â€¦ This is my Psychiatric Club tie, and as you can see the cufflinks match â€¦ And a letter here from my mother in which she asks how the psychiatry is going, and I think you'll realize that the one person you can't fool is your mother."
" Er, my first is in Glasgow but not in Spain, my second is in steamer but not in train, my whole is in the luggage compartment on the plane... (opens eyes) I'll tell you where the bomb is for a pound."
Second Reader: "The sunset was dying over the hills of Solway Firth. The lone piper on the battlements of Edinburgh Casde was silhouetted against the crim ... crim ... crimisy .., crimson! against the crimson strays ... stree ..," Third Reader: "Streaked!"
"What a plucky fighter this Champ is ... Must be losing blood at a rate of a pint a second now ... those who paid one and a half million dollars for those ringside seats are really getting their money's worth"
"Wasn't he great my boy? 2nd Assistant: He was great, Mr Gabriello. Mr Gabriello: The way he kept fighting after his head came off! 2nd Assistant: He was better when the head came off, Mr Gabriello."
"Jack Bodel has defeated Sir Kenneth Clark in the very first round here tonight and so this big Lincolnshire heavyweight becomes the new Oxford Professor of Fine Art."
"A brigadier in full military uniform just to below the chest, then a patch of bare midriff, with belly button showing, then a lavender tutu, incredibly hairy leg, thick army socks and high heels, is dictating."
Presenter: "Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bull-fighting. They say it's not only cruel, vicious and immoral, but also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive with four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bull-fighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard. Given this basic inequality what can be done to make bull-fighting safer? We asked Brigadier Arthur Farquar-Smith, Chairman of the British Well-Basically Club...."
"I'll just remind you of the faculty rules: Rule 1 - no pooftahs. Rule 2, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever - if there's anybody watching. Rule 3 - no pooftahs. Rule 4 - I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out. Rule 5 - no pooftahs. Rule 6 - there is no rule 6! Rule 7 - no pooftahs. "
"open the door, let me in please. Woman: If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias. Man: I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly." Woman: Promise. No encyclopaedias?"
"Busy! I've just spent four hours burying the cat ... It wouldn't keep still, wriggling about howling its head off."
"Nobody can say 'fivepenny please' and make it funny."
"You let them die, then you buy another one. It's much cheaper than feeding them and that way you have a constant variety of little companions."
"you have to say dog kennel to Mr Lambert because if you say mattress he puts a bag over his head. I should have explained. Apart from that he's really all right. "
"Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector. "
The Second Armoured Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about.
Mrs Robinson: "Oh dear, that'll be the Cheap-Laughs from next door." Mr Robinson: "Come in." Mr Cheap-Laugh: "No! Just breathing heavily!" (he and his wife roar with laughter. As he comes in he slips and falls on the mat. His wife puts a custard pie in his face. More roars of laughter)
Customer choosing cheese: "Uuuuuh, Wensleydale?" Wenslydale: "Yes?" Customer: "Ah, well, I'll have some of that!" Wenslydale: "Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name." (pause) Customer: "Greek Feta?" Wenslydale: "Uh, not as such." Customer: "Gorgonzola?" Wenslydale: "nope..."
Who's got a boil on the bum... boil on the botty. (throws bottle to the only man standing up) Who's got the chest rash? (a woman with a large bosom puts up hand) Have to get a bigger bottle.
Michael, do you think you know what a larch tree looks like?
'Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ..
Well l've been in the city for thirty years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold hearted, avaricious, money-grubber ... Conservative.
The major assault on the Uxbridge Road has been going on for about three weeks, really ever since they established base camp here at the junction of Willesden Road, ... and it's taken them another three days to establish camp three, here outside the post office.
I'm sick of all this bloody fighting. If it's not the bloody Treaty of Utrecht it's the bloody binomial theorem. This isn't the senior common room at All Souls, it's the bloody coal face.
Do you want to come back to my place?
Don't forget the Hercules Hold-'em-in, the all.purpose concrete truss for the man with the family hernia.
"Karl Marx, your final question, who won the Cup Final in 1949? Karl: The workers' control of the means of production? The struggle of the urban proletariat?
I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused ... To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card.
Good evening, last week we learned how to saw a lady in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a lady into three bits and dispose of the body...
Here you made your special introductory offer of a free dead dog with every jar
My name is spelt 'Luxury Yacht' but it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.
What can I say? I mean, how can I encapsulate in mere words my scorn for any military solution? The futility of modern warfare? And the hypocrisy by which contemporary government applies one standard to violence within the community and another to violence perpetrated by one community upon another?
So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! ... "You have been found not gillcup of the charges brought against you and may leave this court a free man."
And now I must come to the jury. What can I say. I've dragged you in here, day after day, keeping you away from your homes, your jobs, your loved ones, just to hear the private details of my petty atrocities.
I clearly saw the defendant ... doing whatever he's accused of...Red-handed. When kicked... he said: 'It's a fair ... cop, I done it all ... Right... no doubt about... that'. Then, bound as he was to the chair, he assaulted myself and three other constables while bouncing around the cell.
He's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said...
I inherited this religion from my father, an ex-used-car salesman and part-time window-box, and I am very proud to be in charge of the first religion with free gifts.
His tricycle, specially adapted for the crossing, was ninety feet long, with a protective steel hull, three funnels, seventeen first-class cabins and a radar scanner.
We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose
Have you heard the one about the three nuns in the nudist colony?
Well, no ... It's not so much of a jet, it's more your, er, Triumph Herald engine with wings.
Pither, the cyclist (Voice Over): "August 18th. Fell off near Bovey Tracey. The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed."
The daffy exploits of the RAMC training school. He's in charge of a group of mad medicos, and when they run wild it's titty jokes galore.
Sadly, David Niven cannot be with us tonight, but he has sent his fridge.
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Man's voice (broad Scottish accent): "Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?" Woman's voice: "I am!" (sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming from the woman)
You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week
He seeks them here ... he seeks them there ... he seeks those lupins everywhere. The murdering blackguard! He's taken all our lupins ... Look. The cat's just choked itself to death on them. (we see a dead cat with lupins coming out of its mouth) I don't care if I never see another lupin till the day I die! Why don't you go out and steal something useful!
â€œBASEMENT: DANGEROUS GASES, VIRUSES, CONTAGIOUS DISEASES, RESTAURANT ... GROUND FLOOR: MENSWEAR, ... EFFEMINATE GOODS HALL, ILL HEALTH FOODS.1ST FLOOR: COMPLAINTS. 2ND FLOOR: ... ELECTRICAL, SATIRE. 3RD FLOOR: NASAL INJURIES HALLâ€¦ 5TH FLOOR: COMPLAINTS. 6TH FLOOR: COMPLAINTS. ... 8TH FLOOR: ROOF GARDEN. 9TH FLOOR: TV AERIALS. 10TH FLOOR: FRESH AIR, CLOUDS, ... PERIODS OF SUNSHINE.â€
Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result for the All Blacks. Cliff: Well, they've had very bad luck on the tour so far. They missed four very easy kicks against the Exeter Amateur Operatic Society, which must have cost them the match and then of course there was that crippling defeat at the hands of the Derry and Toms Soft Toy Department ...
Cut to a polite, well dressed assistant at a counter with a big sign saying 'End of Show Department' behind him. Assistant: Well it is one of our cheapest, sir. Chris: What else have you got? Assistant: Well, there's the long slow pull-out, sir...
Chivers, the butler, announces the new Vicar: "The Reverend Ronald Simms, the Dirty Vicar of St Michael's ...(goosed)... ooh!" Vicar: "Corr! What a lovely bit of stuff. I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers!"
Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind', we examine the phenomenon of dÃ©jÃ vu. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened ... Anyway, tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of dÃ©jÃ vu, that strange...
â€œGood, well lets have a look at it, shall we? (he tries unsuccessfully to open his bag)... It's the one thing I hate about being a doctor - it's this wretched bloody little bag! He smashes a chair over it and finally produces a revolver and shoots the lock off. It opens and is stuffed full of pound notes, some of which spill out. He feels inside... eventually pulls out a stethoscope. Dr.: What's that doing here? (throws it away)â€
Doctor: "Ah, yes you must be Mr Williams. "Williams: (obviously fatally wounded) "Y... yes... " Doctor: "Well, do take a seat. What seems to be the trouble?" Williams: "I've... I've just been stabbed by your nurse...!"
This afternoon we look at recent discoveries in the field of intraspecific signalling codes in the family formicidea.
Voice Over: "This is Ken Clean-air Systems, the great white hope of the British boxing world. After three fights - and only two convictions - his manager believes that Ken is ready to face the giant American Satellite Five." Manager, Mr. Englebert Humperdink: "The great thing about Ken is that he's almost totally stupid."
Chairman: "Well to discuss the implications of that sketch and to consider the moral problems raised by the law enforcement methods involved we have a duck, a cat and a lizard."
Parrot: "We present 'The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker'." (...on the bus - ...A hand grenade comes through the window and lands on the seat next to the stockbroker. The soldiers leave the bus rapidly; the stockbroker calmly leaves the bus and walks down the street, in which the soldiers are engaging in a pitched battle....)
Your dung. Three hundredweight of heavy droppings. Where do you want it? Host: I didn't order any dung. Man: Yes you did, sir. You ordered it through the Book of the Month Club.â€
Tonight I want to examine the whole question of eighteenth-century social legislation - its relevance to the hierarchical structure of post-Renaissance society, and its impact on the future of parochial organization in an expanding agrarian economy. But first a bit of fun. Cut to film of eight-second striptease.
Well this is a highly significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
The battle raged long and hard, but as night fell Sidney overcame the Spaniards. 6,000 copies of 'Tits and Bums' and 4,000 copies of 'Shower Sheila' were seized that day. The tide of Spanish porn was stemmed. Sir Philip Sidney returned to London in triumph.
Starting only with a theory, Mr Norris set out to prove that the inhabitants of Hounslow could have been descendants of the people of Surbiton who had made the great trek north. No newcomer to this field, Mr Norris's 'A Short History of Motor Traffic Between Purley and Esher' had become a best-selling minor classic in the car-swapping belt.
It's bleeding weird having half the Tudor nobility ligging around on motorized bicycles.
And that's the final entry. La derniÃ¨re entrÃ©e. Das final entry. And now, guten abend. Das scores. The scores. Les scores. Dei scores. Oh! Scores. Ha! Scores!
Right. Now quite simply the approach to Lake Pahoe is up the steps, and then we come to the shores of the lake. Now, I'm going to press the bell just to see if there's anyone in. Man: (answering) Hello? Sir John: Good morning - I'm looking for a Lake Pahoe. Man: There's a Mr Padgett. Sir John: No, no a lake.
Tonight on 'Face the Press' we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister for Home Affairs ... And on my right - putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of brown liquid ... (cut to patch of liquid on seat of chair) which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing.
â€œTonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis â€¦ 9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan â€¦ And now time for this week's request death.â€
John Cobbley is the Musical and Artistic Director of Covent Garden. He is himself a talented musician, he is a world famous authority on nineteenth-century Russian music and he's come into the studio tonight to talk about Tschaikowsky, which is a bit of a pity as this is 'Farming Club'.
â€œNo, of course I don't mind your father coming to live with us. Carol: He wouldn't just be living with us. Robert: What do you mean? Carol: Well, he finds it very difficult to get to sleep on his own, so I said he could sleep with us.â€
Well, I mean, er... and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous ... dental appendages ... and of course ... himself had the most monumental ivories.
With Ginger, as the half-man, half-woman, parrot whose unnatural instincts brought forbidden love in the aviary.
â€œHello, hello, operator? Yes we're trying to get the fire brigade ... No, the fire brigade. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, what? ... (he takes one of his shoes off and looks in it) Size eight ... Mrs Little appears, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. Mrs Little: He's gone, dear. Mervyn: What? Mrs Little: He's slipped away. Mervyn: What? Mrs Little: The sodding hamster's dead!â€
Interviewer: "Ron are you using any special techniques to jump this great distance?" Ron: "Oh no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two-footed jump, er, straight up in the air and across the Channel." Interviewer: "I see. Er, Ron, what is the furthest distance that you've jumped, er, so far?" Ron: "Er, oh, eleven foot six inches at Motspur Park on July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet unofficially."
Announcer: "The underwater version of 'Measure for Measure', and further out to sea 'Hello Dolly' is also doing good business."
Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn called Simon and you wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe, the lady show-jumper, had a clam, called Stafford, after the late Chancellor, Allan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an haddock!
Michael dances up and down before him to the jolly music of Edward German. Michael holds up two tiny fish and from time to time in the course of the dance he slaps John lightly across the cheeks with them.
(we see an announcer eating a yoghurt) Announcer: (seeing camera) "Oh ... er ... oh ... urn! Oh!...er... (shuffles paper) I'm sorry ... and now frontal nudity."
â€œMr Chigger: So, you want to learn to fly? Mr Chigger: Yes. Mr Anemone: Right, well, up on the table, arms out, fingers together, knees bent... Mr Chigger: No, no, no. Mr Anemone. Up on the table! Arms out, fingers together, knees bent, now, head well forward. Now, flap your arms. Go on, flap, faster... faster... faster... faster, faster, faster, faster - now jump!â€
It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their behavior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their back legs. Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet. Observe for example that ewe in that oak tree. She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly. (baaaaaa...thump)
Exclusively on the programme today we have the Foreign Secretary, who has just returned from the bitter fighting in the Gulf of Amman. He's going to tell us about canoeing.
START OF SKETCH - Voice Over: "'The free repitition of doubtful words - skit, spoof, jape or vignette, by a very under-rated writer." END OF SKETCH - Voice Over: "The free repitition of doubtful words thing, by a justly under-hated writer - The End"
Maintenant, le mouton ... le landing ... les wheels, bon. (Opens diagram to show wheels on sheep's legs). First Frenchman: Bon, les wheels, ici.
Stig: "Je vois que vous avez un chou." (subtitle: 'I see that you have a cabbage') Girl: "Oui." (subtitle: 'Yes')
Voice Over : "This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing!"
â€œGeorge III: Oh dear, I'm not supposed to go mad till 1800!â€
â€œWell tonight, we are going to talk about... well that is... I am going to talk about... well actually I am talking about it now... I know I'm pausing occasionally, ... but the pauses are part of the whole process of talking ... the real point of what I'm saying is that when I appear not to be talking don't go nipping out to the kitchen, putting the kettle on ... buttering scones...â€
Hanging from the middle of the ceiling is a goat with light bulbs hanging from each foot.
â€œYes, yes. Now Mr Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities ... Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience ... coupled with the fact that, uh, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.â€
No, no, I am not the brain specialist. No, no, I am not... Yes. Yes I am. "Surgeon: Gloves ... glasses... moustache... handkerchief... (Gumby voice) I'm going to operate!!"
Good evening. First take a bunch of flowers. Pretty begonias, irises, freesias and cry-manthesums...then arrange them nicely in a vase. (he thrusts the flowers head downwards into the vase and stuffs them in wildly; he even bangs them with a mallet in an attempt to get them all in) Get in! Get in! Get in!
We established base salon here, and climbed quite steadily up to Mario's here. From here using crampons and cutting ice steps as we went, we moved steadily up the Lhotse Face to the North Ridge, establishing camp three where we could get a hot meal, a manicure, and a shampoo and set.
O fair Ophelia, nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered ...
We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.
You know it takes me two hours every morning to get out onto the moors, collect my berries, chastise myself, and two hours back in the evening.
â€œI want you to fly this plane to Luton ... please â€¦ I mean, near Luton will do, you know. Harpenden, do you go near Harpenden? â€¦ well, drop me off there. I'll get a bus to Luton.â€
We kick off tonight with Cardinal Richelieu and his impersonation of Petula Clark ... And now W. G. Grace as a music box.
Cut, cut, cut, blood, spurt, artery, murder, Hitchcock, Psycho... right sir
All our patients here are suffering from severe over-acting.
'Fractured tibia, sergeant'? Ooh. Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we?
It's also the first major housing project in Britain to be built entirely by characters from nineteenth-century English literature.
Quite recently the Kenyan Minister for Agric. and Fish fell nearly twelve miles during a Nairobi debate in Parliament, although this hasn't been ratified yet.
We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, finally the middle bush explodes; there is a muffled scream; the smoke subsides) Yes it was the middle one.
Here's one specially recommended by the board of Irresponsible People.
Having once identified a mason immediate steps must be taken to isolate him from the general public. Having accomplished that it is now possible to cure him of these unfortunate masonic tendencies through the use of behavioural psychotherapy.
Number seven. Two inches to the right of a very naughty bit indeed.
Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, ... but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
Hungarian: "...I will not buy this 'tobacconist's', it is scratched." Clerk: "No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes." (holds up a pack) Hungarian: "Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels." Clerk: "Sorry?"
He can't eat honey. It makes him go plop plops.
Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar, leaves his home to seek Hangar the Elder at the home of Thorvald Nlodvisson, the son of Gudleif, half brother of Thorgier, the priest of Ljosa water, who took to wife Thurunn, the mother of Thorkel Braggart, ...
And from France there's a superb exhibition of rather silly behaviour by the Friends of the Free French Osteopaths.
I mean, as soon as I'd made 'Midnight Cowboy' with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger rushes out his version, and gets it premiered while mine's still at the chemist's.
You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public.
Do you really need twelve gallons?
And the big news this morning is that the British boy Boris Rodgers has succeeded in swapping his nine-stone Welsh-born wife for a Ford Popular and a complete set of Dickens.
And don't zoom in on me, no I'm off, I'm off. That's it. That's all. I'm off.
Well at the moment, Ludovic, you're crouching down inside a filing cabinet. Mr Grayson: Yes that's right, David, I'm trying not to be seen.
Tonight on 'Is There' we examine the question, 'Is there a life after death?'. And here to discuss it are three dead people
My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian from Napoli when he lives in Milan?'
2nd Interviewer: I didn't really call you Eddie-baby, did I, sweetie? Ross: Don't call me sweetie!! 2nd Interviewer: Can I call you sugar plum? Ross: No! 2nd Interviewer: Pussy cat? Ross: No. 2nd Interviewer: Angel-drawers?
Hello, good evening, and welcome to 'It's A Living'. The rules are very simple: each week we get a large fee; at the end of that week we get another large fee; if there's been no interruption at the end of the year we get a repeat fee which can be added on for tax purposes
I warn this programme that any recurrence of this sloppy long-haired civilian plagiarism will be dealt with most severely.
â€œThe It's man, tattered and ragged as usual, emerges onto set) Lulu: Love the outfit dear, it's gorgeous.â€
â€œRight... Well, I'll give you the job, and the chair, and an all-wool ex-army sleeping bag ... for the briefcase, umbrella, the pens in your breast pocket and your string vest. Bee: When do I start?â€
â€œWell in fact I can see last season's top jockey, Johnny Knowles. Good afternoon, Johnny. (Pause. Not even a cap is seen. )Third Jockey: (faintly) Hello, Brian. Brian: Er, could we have a box for Johnny, please.â€
There is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- ... aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm
Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing. As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty. 'Denmark has never laughed so much' - 'The Stage'. Nice little novelty number -... breaks the ice at parties. ... Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. 'Black soap' - leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers. Can't get it off for hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties.
Mm. I love the Scottish Assizes. I know what they mean by a really well-hung jury.
May I recommend the alligator purees.
He's in a state of Itsubishi Kyoko McSayonara ... It's the fifth state that a Scotsman can achieve, sir. He's got to finish himself off by lunchtime or he thinks he's let down the Emperor, sir.
â€œEmerging from the dense undergrowth are two pygmy warriors pulling the four explorers who are roped together ... 3rd Explorer: That was a nasty business back at the restaurant. 1st Explorer: Yes, I thought most places took Barclaycard nowadays.â€
She trains polecats, but most of them have suffocated so there should be a bit of spare room in the attic, eh. Know what I mean. Oooh!
Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up.
It's an entirely new strain of sheep, a killer sheep that can not only hold a rifle but is also a first-class shot ... Our only clue is this portion of wolf's clothing which the killer sheep.
â€œI see, well, you want our 'Life and Soul of the Party' tape then, I think â€¦ it's sort of 'Ello squire, haven't seen you for a bit, haven't seen you for a bit either, Beryl. Two pints of wallop please, love. Still driving the Jensen then? Cheer up Jack it may never happen, what's your poison then?'â€
How to recognize different types of tree from quite a long way away. Voice over and caption: "Number One....The Larch." (fuzzy picture of a larch tree)
My name is Leapy Lee. No, sorry. That's the name of me favourite singer ... My name is Bananas. No, no, that's me favourite fruit. I'm Mrs Nice- evening- out- at- the- pictures- then- perhaps- a- dance- at- a- club- and- back- to- his- place- for- a- quick- cup- of- coffee- and- little- bit- of - no! No, sorry, that's me favourite way of spending a night out.
Dear Sir, I object strongly to the obvious athletic turn this show has now taken. Why can't we hear more about the human body? There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body except for the intestines and bits of the bottom.
Dear Mirror View, I would like to be paid five guineas for saying something stupid about a television show. Yours sincerely, Mrs Sybil Agro.
Why don't those of us who want to, eat Johnson, then you, sir, can eat my leg and then we'll make a stock of the Captain and then after that we can eat the rest of Johnson cold for supper.
â€œOh it's terrible up on deck. Mrs Neve: Up on deck? Lifeboatman: Yes on deck. It's diabolical weather. Mrs Neves: What deck, dear? Lifeboatman: The deck, The deck of the lifeboat. Mrs Neves: This isn't a lifeboat, dear. This is 24, Parker Street.â€
â€œDo you think Jarrow will adopt a more defensive posture for the first leg of the next tie in Turkey? Buzzard: I hit the ball first time and there it was in the back of the net. Interviewer: Yes, yes - but have you any plans for dealing with the free-scoring Turkish forwards? Buzzard: Well Brian... I'm opening a boutique.â€
Well, those were the titles. And now for the first item this evening on the Menu - ha ha - the team have chosen as a little hors d'oeuvres an item - and I think we can be sure it won't be an ordinary item - in fact the team told me just before the show that anything could happen, and probably would - so let's have ... the item.
â€œBuilders haven't been then â€¦ Mrs Potter: 'Ere, there's Alfred Lord Tennyson in the bathroom. Mr Potter: Well, at least the poet's been installed, then.â€
(In Spanish with subtitles in English) The llama is a quadruped which lives in the big rivers like the Amazon. It has two ears, a heart, a forehead, and a beak for eating honey. But it is provided with fins for swimming.
Tonight's other outstanding match was the semi-final between the Bournemouth Gynaecologists and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators. We bring you edited highlights of the match.
Third Explorer: "All that'll be left of us will be a map, a compass and a few feet of film, recording our last moments..." First Explorer: "Wait a moment!" Fourth Explorer: "What is it?" First Explorer: "If we're on film, there must be someone filming us!" Second Explorer: "My God, Betty, you're right!"
Will Louis XVI get away with the Montgolfiers' precious plans? Is sixteen years of work to be stolen by this suspect sovereign? Is France really in the grip of a Glaswegian monarch? Watch next week's episode of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'... Now!
â€œI chop down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie Just like my dear Mama.â€
Well, no one really got on. Satan didn't get on with Eve ... er... Archangel Gabriel didn't get on with Satan... nobody got on with the Serpent, so now they have to work a rota: forces of good from ten till three, forces of evil three to six.
Counsellor, staring at woman, fascinated: "And good morning to you madam (pauses, shrugs himself out of staring and says to Arthur) Name?" Arthur: "Mr and Mrs Arthur Pewty." Counsellor writing without looking down, just staring at Arthur's wife: "And what is the name of your ravishing wife? (holds her hand) Wait. Don't tell me - it's something to do with moonlight - it goes with her eyes - it's soft and gentle, warm and yielding, deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened like a tiny whit rabbit." Arthur: "It's Deidre."
Mr Man applying at Mary (Army) Recruiting: "Yes. I was just thinking, you know, if it was possible for me to have my choice ... I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps." R.S.M.: "Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here normally go straight into the Scots Guards." Mr Man: "Which is all... men... I suppose?" R.S.M.: "Yes it is." Mr Man: "Yes. Are there any regiments which are more effeminate than others?" R.S.M.: "Well, no sir. I mean, apart from the Marines, they're all dead butch."
Doctor: "Mr. Bertenshaw?" Mr. Bertshaw: "Me, Doctor?" Doctor: "No, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw." Mr. Bertshaw: "My wife, doctor..." Doctor: "No, your wife patient." Nursing Sister: "Come with me, please." Mr. Bertshaw: "Me, Sister?" Doctor: "No, she Sister, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw."
Mr Ford: "Well, I want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and give it to the orphans." City Gent: "Yes?" Mr Ford: "Well, that's it." City Gent: "No, no, no, I don't follow this at all, I mean, I don't want to seem stupid but it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal." Mr Ford: "Well, yes you are." City Gent: "I am? Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?" Mr Ford: "Well the incentive is - to make the orphans happy." City Gent, genuinely puzzled: "Happy? (pause) You quite sure you've got this right?"
News reader: "The Minister for not listening to people toured Batley today to investigate allegations of victimization in home-loan improvement grants, made last week by the Shadow Minister for judging people at first sight to be marginally worse than they actually are....."
Minister: "Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently, and so it takes me rather longer to get to work. Now then, what was it again?" Mr Pudey: "Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it." Minister: "I see. May I see your silly walk?" Mr Pudey:... gets up and does a few steps, lifting the bottom part of his left leg sharply at every alternate pace... Minister: "lt's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step." Mr Pudey: "Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly."
Zorba: "Yes, the mollusc is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of the you know what." Mrs Jalin: "Disgusting!" Mr Jalin: "Ought not to be allowed." Zorba: "The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-blooded little beast with its tent-like shell is always on the job. Its extra-marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face. How am I doing?" Mrs Jalin: "Disgusting." Mr Jalin: "But more interesting."
PRESENTER: "Good evening, and welcome to The Money Programme. Tonight on The Money Programme, we're going to look at money. Lots of it. On film, and in the studio. Some of it in nice piles, others in lovely clanky bits of loose change. Some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds, delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets, nice crisp clean checks, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity, beautiful wayward curlicued banknotes, filigreed copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbly ( ? ) rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books!"
Jacques: "Well, it's getting late. I must go and have a wash." Joseph: "What will you be washing?" Jacques: "Oh ... just my face and neck ... perhaps my feet... and possibly ... but no ... no ... lock up the plans, Joseph... tomorrow they will make us the toast of France. 'The first ascent by the Montgolfier brothers in a balloon'. Just after Ballcock and just before Bang... what a position!"
Radio Voice: "It's 9 o'clock and time for 'Mortuary Hour'. An hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery for all those who work in mortuaries, introduced as usual by Shirley Bassey" (sinister chords) Shirley: "Well, we're going to kick straight off this week with our Mortuary Quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready."
Voice Over: "But the hunt is not over. With well practiced skill Hank skins the mosquito. (Hank produces an enormous curved knife and begins to start skinning the tiny mosquito) The wings of a fully grown male mosquito can in fact fetch anything up to .08 of a penny on the open market. (shot of them walking, carrying weapons) The long day is over and it's back to base camp for a night's rest. (inside villa; Hank is cleaning bazooka) Here, surrounded by their trophies Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal - a moth hunt!"
Presenter: "A very good try there, by the Garibaldi family of Droitwich in Worcestershire. Professor?" (Pull out further to pick up a panel of three distinguished rather academic looking people.) Professor: "Well, I can't make up my mind about this family... I don't think there was the sustained awfulness that we really need. I mean, the father was appalling..." (Two other members of the panel nod vigourous agreement.) Lady Organs: "Appalling... yes ...." Professor: "He was dirty, smelly and distasteful ... and I liked him very much ... but..." Presenter: "Lady Organs?" Lady Organs: "Well ... they were an unpleasant farally certainly, but I don't think we had enough of the really gross awfulness that we're looking for..." Presenter: "Well, harsh words therefor the Garibaldi family of Droitwich in Worcestershire, at present holders of the East Midlands Most Awful Faafily Award - Lower Middle-Class Section but unable today to score more than fifteen on our disgustometer. Well with the scores all in from the iudges, the Garlbaldis are number three ... and a surprise number two ... the Fanshaw-Churnleighs of Berkshire..." (cut to a very elegant breakfast table in beautifully tasteful surroundings. Four upper-class folk - two woman and two men - are talking most incredibly loudly at each other, with quite appalling accents. An appalling din altogether. They talk just about at the same time as each other) First Person: "What a super meal! Second Person: "Absolutely super! Pat and Max are coming down from Eton to help daddy count money." Third Person: "How absolutely super!"
Insurance Salesman Devious: "You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile ... but you had to claim, and, well, there it is." Vicar: "Oh dear, oh dear." Devious: "Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady?" Vicar: "Oh, she's fine." (he begins to sob) Devious: "Look... Rev... I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out' office. There's a good chap."
I haven't written a mountaineering sketch.
Linkman: "Yes. The Mouse ProblemÂ· This week 'The World Around Us' looks at the growing social phenomenon of Mice and Men. What makes a man want to be a mouse." (cut to interviewer, sitting facing a confessor. The confessor is badly lit and is turned away from camera) Confessor: (very slowly and painfully) "Well it's not a question of wantiing to be a mouse... it just sort of happens to you. All of a sudden you realize... that's what you want to be." Interviewer: "And when did you first notice these... shall we say... tendencies?" Confessor: "Well... I was about seventeen and some mates and me went to a party, and, er... we had quite a lot to drink... and then some of the fellows there ... started handing ... cheese around ... and well just out of curiosity I tried a bit ... and well, that was that."
Mr Git: "I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname like Git." Mrs Stokes: "OH? Oh well, it's not that bad." Mr Git: "Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like 'she's a git' really hurt, yes."
Voice Over: "Mr Neutron! The man whose incredible power has made him the most feared man of all time... waits for his moment to destroy this little world utterly!" (cut to Mr. Neutron in the garden having tea with Mr. and Mrs. Entrail) Mrs Entrail: "Then there's Stanley ... he's our eldest ... he's a biochemist in Sutton. He's married to Shirley..." Mr Neutron: "Shirley who used to be the hairdresser?" Mrs Entrail: "Yes, that's right, I think she's a lovely person. (indicates her husband) My husband doesn't ... he thinks she's a bit flash." Mr Entrail: "I hate 'er! I hate 'er guts!"
Mr Neutron: "...I am the most powerful man in the universe. There is nothing I cannot do!" Mrs Scum: "Oh, Mr N." Mr Neutron: "I want you to be my helpmate. As Tarzan had his Jane, as Napoleon had his Josephine, as Frankie Laine had whoever he had, I want you to help me in my plan to dominate the world!" Mrs Scum: "Oh Mr N...that I should be so lucky!" Mr Neutron: "You're not Jewish are you?"
Commander: "...We'll try and out-smart this Neutron guy. Yes, there's one man who could nail him." Carpenter: "One guy? That won't frighten anyone, sir." Commander: "He's the most brilliant man I ever met. We were in the CIA together. He's retired now. He breeds rabbits up in the Yukon..." Carpenter: "What's his name, sir?" Commander: "His name is Teddy Salad." Carpenter: "Salad as in... ?" Commander: "Lettuces, cucumber, radishes....yeah, yeah, yeah."
Secretary of State and the Prime Minister are dining. Prime Minister: "It's all right - don't worry about Giuseppe... (the secretary looks at a violin playing gypsy who smiles toothily) He's English really." Secretary of State: "Well apparently the whole structure of world peace may be threatened unless we immediately..." Giuseppe, with heavy accent, leaning forwards: "Your anniversary, signore?" Prime Minister: "No, no, Giuseppe - not now!"
Neville Shunt, typing: "...Toot, toot. The train now standing at platform eight, tch, tch, tch, diddledum, diddledum. Chuffff chuffffiTff eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa Vooooommmmm." Art Critic: "Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work as a load of rubbish about railway timetables, but clever people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a deliberate ambiguity, a plea for understanding in a mechanized world..."
Son: "Good afternoon, mother. Good afternoon, Mrs Nigger-Baiter." Mrs Nigger-Baiter: "Ooh, he's walking already!" Mrs Shazam: "Yes, he's such a clever little boy, aren't you? Coochy coochy coo . . ." Mrs Nigger-Baiter: "Hello, coochy coo..." Mrs Shazam: "Hello, hello..." (they tickle him under the chin) Mrs Nigger-Baiter: "Oochy coochy. (the son smiles a little tight smile) Look at him laughing... ooh, he's a chirpy little fellow. Isn't he a chirpy little fellow ... eh? eh? Does he talk Does he talk, eh?" Son: "Of course I talk, I'm Minister for Overseas Development."
Mrs Premise: "How's the old man, then?" Mrs Sartre: "Oh, don't ask. He's in one of his bleeding moods. 'The bourgeoisie this is the bourgeoisie that' - he's like a little child sometimes. I was only telling the Rainiers the other day - course he's always rude to them, only classy friends we've got - I was saying solidarity with the masses I said... pie in the sky! Oooh! You're not a Marxist are you Mrs Conclusion?" Mrs Conclusion: "No, I'm a Revisionist." Mrs Sartre: "Oh good. I mean, look at this place! I'm at my wits end. Revolutionary leaflets everywhere. One of these days I'll revolutionary leaflets him. If it wasn't for the goat you couldn't get in here for propaganda."
Mrs. Thing: "Mrs Stanley Baldwin used to have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and go out and catch partridges with her bare hands!" Mrs. Entity: "Yes... and Mrs William Pitt the Elder used to have to get up at three o'clock and go burrowing for truffles with the bridge of her nose." Mrs. Thing: "Mrs Beethoven used to have to get up at midnight to spur on the mynah bird." Mrs. Entity: "Lazy creatures, mynah birds..." Mrs. Thing: "Yes. When Beethoven went deaf the mynah bird just used to mime."
Mrs Podgorny, knitting: "Angus, how are y'going to get 48,000,000 kilts into the van?" Angus: "I'll have t'do it in two goes." Mrs Podgorny: "D'you not ken that the Galaxy of Andromeda is two million, two hundred thousand light years away?" Angus: "Is that so?" Mrs Podgorny: "Aye ... and you've never been further than Berwick-on-Tweed..."
He is usually found in Surrey hedgerows, but I found this one in the gents at St Pancras, uneaten.
Host: "With me now is Norman St. John Polevaulter, who for the last few years has been contradicting people. St. John Polevaulter, why do you contradict people?" Polevaulter : "I don't!" Host: "But you... you told me that you did." Polevaulter: "I most certainly did not!" Host: "Oh. I see. I'll start again." Polevaulter: "No you won't!"
Mr Vernon: "Hello, madam... "(comes in) Mrs Long Name: "Ah hello... you must have come about..." Mr Vernon: "Finishing the sentences, yes." Mrs Long Name: "Oh... well... perhaps you'd like to..." Mr Vernon: "Come through this way... certainly."
Gent: "Good morning, I'd care to purchase a chicken, please." Butcher: "Don't come here with that posh talk you nasty, stuck-up twit!" Gent: "I beg your pardon?" Butcher: "A chicken, sir? Certainly."
City Gent: "Fivepenny please." (Cut to stock film of audience rolling about with laughter and clapping. Cut back to city gent in street. He looks rather bewildered. He shrugs, turns and as he starts to walk away the camera pulls out. We see the city gent pass two colleagues.) City Gent: "Morning." They collapse laughing and roll about on the pavement. The city gent hurries on, and turns into the door of a big office block. A hall porter is standing behind a counter.) City Gent: "Not so warm today, George." (a shriek of mirth from the porter who collapses behind the counter)
I thought it was because you were interested in me as a human being.
Dr. Thripshaw: "Come in." Burrows: "Can I down sit?" Dr. Thripshaw: "Certainly. (Burrows sits) Well, then?" Burrows: "Well, now, not going to bush the doctor about the beat too long. I'm going to come to point the straight immediately."
Mr Sm: Nâ€¦ Mr Ith: ... O
Announcer: "And now a film about a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose." Announcer: "And now in stereo."
Announcer: "And now for something completely different - a man with a tape recorder up his nose."
Announcer: "And now for something completely the same - a man with three buttocks. (phone on desk rings - he answers) Hullo? ... Oh, did we? (puts phone down and looks at camera) And now for something completely different. A man with three noses."
Opening Scene : Stock shot of audience of Women , applauding. A man flourishing a handkerchief blows his nose. Then he puts his handkerchief inside his shin and blows again. Stock shot women applauding again.
Voice Over: "The local Council here have over fifty hypnosis-induced twenty-five storey blocks, put up by El Mystico and Janet. I asked Mr Ken Verybigliar the advantages of hypnosis compared to other building methods." Mr Verybigliar: "Well there is a considerable financial advantage in using the services of El Mystico. A block, like Mystico Point here, (indicating a high-rise block behind him) would normally cost in the region of one-and-a-half million pounds. This was put up for five pounds and thirty bob for Janet."
Nude Man: "Well I see my role in it as, er, how can I put it best - the nude man - as sort of symbolizing the two separate strands of existence, the essential nudity of man..." Announcer: "It's an interesting question. Personally I rather adhere to the Bergsonian idea of laughter as a social sanction against inflexible behaviour but... excuse me a moment... And now..." Castaway: "It's..." (opening titles)
Voice Over: "Number ten. The big toe." Voice Over: "Number eleven. More naughty bits." Voice Over: "Number twelve. The naughty bits of a lady." Voice Over: "Number thirteen. The naughty bits of a horse." Voice Over: "Number fourteen. The naughty bits of an ant."
Voice Over: "Good evening, I'm the announcer who's just been given this job by the BBC and I'd just like to say how grateful I am to the BBC for providing me with work, particularly at this time of year, when things are a bit thin for us announcers ... um ... I don't know whether I should tell you this, but, well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently. Things have been pretty awful at home. My wife, Josephine... 'Joe-jums' as I call her ... who is also an announcer..." Joe-jums: "Hello."
First Zambesi: "You ought to go and see a psychiatrist. You're a loony. You might even need a new brain." Second Zambesi: "Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain." First Zambesi: "Well, you could get one of those Curry's brains." Second Zambesi: "How much are they?" First Zambesi, picking up a catalogue: "I don't know. I'll have a look in the catalogue. Here we are. Battery lights, dynamo lights, rear lights, brains -- here we are..." Second Zambesi: "I'm still confused." First Zambesi: "Oh, there's a nice one here, thirteen-and-six, it's one of Curry's own brains."
Cooker Delivery Man: "Morning. Mrs G. Crump?" Mrs Pinnet: "No - Mrs G. Pinnet." Delivery Man: "This is 46 Egernon Crescent?" Mrs Pinnet: "No - Road. Egernon Road." Delivery Man: (looks at a bit of paper) "Road, yes, says here. Yeah. Right, could I speak to Mrs G. Crump please?" Mrs Pinnet: "Oh there's nobody here of that name. It's Mrs G. Pinnet. 46 Egernon Road." Delivery Man: "Well it says 'Crump' here. Don't it, Harry?"
Narrator: "Good evening. Here is the News for parrots. No parrots were involved in an accident on the M1 today, when a lorry carrying high octane fuel was in collision with a bollard ... that is a bollard and not a parrot. A spokesman for parrots said he was glad no parrots were involved. The Minister of Technology (photo of minister with parrot on his shoulder) today met the three Russian leaders (cut to photograph of Brahnev, Podgomy and Kosygin all in a group and each with a parrot on his shoulder) to discuss a Â£4 million airliner deal ... (cut back to narrator) None of them went in the cage, or swung on the little wooden trapeze, or ate any of the nice millet seed (slowly) yummm, yummm."
News reader: "In Fulham this morning a jeweller's shop was broken into and jewellery to the value of Â£2,000 stolen. Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview. (on the screen behind, him, there appears an identical picture of him, sitting at his news reader desk) Ah, they say, however, that acting on his information they now wish to interview a news reader in the central London area."
Richard Baker: "We've just heard that an explosion in the kitchens of the House of Lords has resulted in the breakage of seventeen storage jars. Police ruled out foul play. (pause) Lemon curry?"
Crime Boss: "Right ... this is the plan then.....At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre, where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me Â£5.18.3d. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a watch costing Â£5.18.3d. I shall then give the watch to you, Vic....All right, any questions?" Larry: "We don't seem to be doing anything illegal." Boss: "What do you mean?" Larry: "Well ... we're paying for the watch."
Norwegian: "Ik tvika nasai..." (subtitle: 'Good evening') Norwegian: "...Stivianka sobjiord ki niyanska ik takka Norge weginda zokiy yniet..." (subtitle: You may think it strange that we should be asking you to vote Norwegian at the next election') Norwegian: "...Ik vietta nogiunda sti jibiora..." (subtitle: 'But consider the advantages') Norwegian: "Sti glikka in Norge tijik dinstianna gildoosi stiiioska kary." (subtitle: 'We have an annual re-investment rate of 14%') Norwegian: "E in Norge we haua siddinkarvo dikinik chaila osto tykka hennakska." (subtitle: 'And girls with massive knockers!')
Captain: "Right, sergeant maior - there's no time to lose." RSM: "Beg pardon, sir?" Captain: "No tirne to lose." RSM: "No what, sir?" Captain: "No time ... no time to lose." RSM: "Oh, I see, sir. (making gestures) No time ... to ... lose!!" Captain: "Yes, that's right, yes." RSM: "Yes, no time to lose, sir!" Captain: "Right." RSM: "Isn't that funny, sir... I've never come across that phrase before - 'no time to lose'. Forty-two years I've been in the regular army and I've never heard that phrase."
Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more...know what I mean?
McGough: "Yet fear, not like an aged florin, can so disseminate men's eyes, that fortune, straining at a kissing touch may stop her ceaseless search to sport amidst the rampant thrust of time, and bring the thing undone to pass by that with which the cock may chance an arm." Mr Bones: "Well that's all very well, sir, but this is an off-licence." McGough: "Oh. Just a bottle of sherry then, please."
Enid, looking discreetly through curtain: "Who's that shouting?" Gladys: "It's a man outside Number 24." Enid: "Try it on the five inch, Gladys." Gladys: (looking at the array of telescopes) "I can't. I've got that fixed on the Baileys at Number 13. Their new lodger moves in today." Enid: All right, hold 13 on the five-inch and transfer the Cartwrights to the digital scanner."
Comentator: "Hello, good afternoon and welcome to the second leg of the Olympic final of the men's Hide-and-Seek here in the heart of Britain's London. We'll be surfing in just a couple of moments from now, and there you can see the two competitors Francisco Huron the Paraguayan, who in this leg is the seeker (we see Francisco Huron darting about, looking behind things) and there's the man he'll be looking for ... (we see Don Roberts practicing hiding) our own Don Roberts from Hinckley in Leicestershire who, his trainer tells me, is at the height of his self-secreting form. And now in the first leg, which ended on Wednesday, Don succeeded in finding the Paraguayan in the new world record time of 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds, in a sweetshop in Kilmarnock. And now they're under starter's orders...."
Surgeon: "Right, I'm ready to make the incision. Knife please, sister (takes knife) What's that supposed to be. Give me a big one.. (takes big knife and strops it on steel sharpener) . . . oh I do enjoy this. Right. (he stabs the body and makes a slit four feet long) Oh what a great slit. Now, gentlemen, I am going to open the slit." (he pulls it apart. The song gets louder. The head of a squatter pops out) Squatter: "Too much man, groovy, great scene. Great light show, baby!"
Prince of Wales: "You really must forgive me, Wilde, I've got to get back up the Palace." Oscar Wilde: "Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top." Prince of Wales: (indignantly) "I beg your pardon?" Oscar Wilde: "Um ... It was one of Whistler's." James Whistler: "I never said that." Oscar Wilde: "You did, James, you did." (the Prince of Wales stares expectantly at Whistler) James Whistler: "... Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more. (laughter) Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss!" Prince of Wales: (offended) "What??? James Whistler: "It was one of Wilde's." Oscar Wilde: (flustered) "It sodding was not! It was Shaw! George Bernard Shaw: "I ... I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark."
(...an idyllic scene - a boat drifting serenely on a river. A beautiful girl lies reclining in one end of the boat. A hoof appears round her shoulders.) Girl: "Oh pantomime horse, that was wonderful." Dobbin: "Would you like another glass?" Girl: "No, no, I mustn't. It makes me throw up... oh, I'm so bleeding happy." Dobbin: "Oh, Simone!" Girl: "Oh, pantomime horse." (Cut to Graham Chapman in loony get up.) Loony: "Then... " (The pantomime horse spins round and fires his revolver towards some trees overhanging the water. Another pantomime horse falls out of the tree into the water. A third pantomime horse scurries out bin behind a bush and runs off into the undergrowth. Dobbin leaps out of the boat. The girl jumps after him. A car drives out of some bushes on to the road and accelerates away. The pantomime horse is in it. Dobbin and the girl leap into their own expensive sports car and give chase. Shots of exciting chase. After two or three shots of the cars chasing, the two pantomime hones are seen on two tandems, continuing the chase. Cut to them chasing each other on horseback. Cut to them chasing each other on rickshaws. Cut to them chasing each other on foot.)
City Gent: "And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go. Champion... how many years have you been with this firm? (Champion stamps his foot three times) Trigger? (Trigger stamps his front foot twice and rear foot once) I see. Well, it's a difficult decision."
Veronica: "Hello, last week on 'Party Hints' I showed you how to rnake a small plate of goulash go round twenty-six people, how to get the best out of your canapes, and how to unblock your loo. This week I'm going to tell you what to do if there is an armed communist uprising near your home when you're having a party."
Politician: "...We hope ... that in the aut-tumn we shall int-ro-duce leg-is-lat-tion in the House to bene-fit all those in low-er in-come groups. And fur-ther-more we hope... " Choreographer: "No, no, no, no... look, luv, it's and... (does the movements) one and two and three and four, and five and six and seven and down."
Second Cricketer: "... the symbol of man's regeneration through radical Marxism ... fair enough ... but, but we never once get a chance to see him turn his off-breaks on that Brisbane sticky." Third Cricketer: "Aye, and what were all that dancing through Ray Illingworth's innings? Forty-seven not out and the bird comes up and feeds him some grapes!"
Dr Peaches Bartkowicz: "For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a man the penguin would have to be over sixty-six feet high." Prof. Ken Rosewall: "This theory has become known as the waste of time theory and was abandoned in 1956. Standard IQ. tests gave the following results. The penguins scored badly when compared with primitive human sub-groups like the bushmen of the Kalahari but better than BBC programme planners."
First Man: "That was Wilkins." Second Man: "That was Wilkins. He was a good, good, er, golfer, Wilkins." First Man: "Very good golfer. Very good golfer. Rotten at finance. It'll be Parkinson next." Second Man: "Bet you it won't." First Man: "How much?" Second Man: "What?" First Man: "How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?" Second Man: "All right."
Customer wants a dog converted to a parrot....Shopkeeper: "Oh dear, it's a long job, you see - parrot conversion. Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ..." Customer: "You'd need a very big tank." Shopkeeper: "It's a great conversation piece." Customer: "Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch."
Philip Jenkinson: "Horace Walpole's 'Rogue Cheddar', (sniff) one of the first of the Cheese Westerns to be later followed by 'Gunfight at Gruyere Corral', 'Ilchester 73', and 'The Cheese Who Shot Liberty Valence'. While I'm on the subject of Westerns, I want to take a closer look at one of my favourite film directors, Sam Peckinpah, the expatriate from Fresno, California."
Ximinez: "Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. FOUR counts!. Do you confess?" Old Lady: "I don't understand what I'm accused of." Ximinez: "Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!"
Announcer: "And now for more news of the momentous artistic event in which Pablo Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us whilst riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso - the founder of modern art - without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever... for the first time painting in motion. But first of all let's have a look at the route he'll be taking...."
Scenario: An 'Ethyl the Frog' documentary on violence and the rise of the infamous Piranha Brothers. Presenter: "One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis." Vince: "Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor." Interviewer: "He nailed your head to the floor?" Vince: "At first, yeah"
Mrs Non-Robinson: "Been shopping?" Mrs Robinson: "No, ... I've been shopping." Mrs Non-Robinson: "What'd you buy?" Mrs Robinson: "A piston engine." Mrs Non-Robinson: "What d'you buy that for?" Mrs Robinson: "It was a bargain." Mrs Non-Gorilla: "Bloody rubbish."
Voice Over: "From these glens and scars, the sound of the coot and the moorhen is seldom absent. Nature sits in stern mastery over these rocks and crags. The rush of the mountain stream, the bleat of the sheep, and the broad, clear Highland skies, reflected in turn and loch ... (at this moment we pick up a highland gentleman in kilt and tam o'shanter clutching a knobkerry in one hand and a letter in the other)... form a breathtaking backdrop against which Ewan McTeagle writes such poems as 'Lend us a quid till the end of the week'. "
Old Lady: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, it's so nice to see such a large turnout this afternoon. And I'd like to start off by welcoming our guest speakers for this afternoon,... Mr Wadsworth..." Wordsworth: "Wordsworth!" Old Lady: "Sorry, Wordsworth... Mr John Koots, and Percy Bysshe." Shelley: "Shelley!" Old Lady: "Just a little one, medium dry, (a dwarf assistant pours her a sherry) and Alfred Lorde." Tennyson: "Tennyson." Old Lady: "Tennis ball!" Tennyson: "Son! Son!"
Muffled Voice: "I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high..." Inspector: "Morning, madam, I've come to read your poet." She: "Oh yes, he's in the cupboard under the stairs." Inspector: "What is it, a Swinburne? Shelley?" She: "No, it's a Wordsworth." Inspector: "Oh, bloody daffodils!"
Voice Over: "The BBC would like to apologize to the police about the character of Police Constable Pan Am. He was not meant to represent the average police officer. Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, was the product of a disordered mind and should not be construed as having any other significance." (photo of Buzz Aldrin appears)
Policeman: "Mind you I didn't join the police force just to wear the helmets you know. That just happens to be one of the little perks. There are plenty of jobs where I could have worn a helmet, but not such a nice helmet. This helmet, I think, beats even some of the more elaborate helmets worn by the Tsar's private army, the so-called Axi red warriors. You know about them?"
Mum: "There's been another Indian massacre at Dorking Civic Theatre." Dad: "About time too dear... " Mum, reading paper: " 'Those who were left alive at the end got their money back'. " Dad: "That's what live theatre needs - a few more massacres..." Mum: " 'The police are anxious to speak to anyone who saw the crime, ladies with large breasts, or just anyone who likes policemen.' "
Policeman: "You are Sandy Camp the actor?" Young Man: "Yes." Policeman: "I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed, and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is also a junkie."
Man in loud and high pitched voice "I wish to report a burglary." First Sergeant: "Report a what?" Man in a ridiculous high pitch squeak: "Burglary!" First Sergeant: "That's the exact frequency... now keep it there." (another sergeant enters and goes round to back of counter) Second Sergeant in high pitched voice: "Hello, sarge!" First Sergeant in very deep voice: "Evening Charlie."
First Judge, very camp: "Oh, I've had such a morning in the High Court. I could stamp my little feet the way those QC's carry on." Second Judge, just as camp: "Don't I know it, love."
Nid: "I don't suppose you have any general surveys of English Church architecture?" Shop Assistant: "No, it's not really our line, sir." Nid: "No, I see. Well, never mind I'll just take the 'Lord Lieutenant in Nylons' then, and these two copies of 'Piggie Parade'. Thank you."
Post Office Official: "This new box will enable the people of the Ulverston Road area to post letters, post-cards and small packages without recourse to the Esher Road box or to the box outside the post office at Turner's Parade which many people used to use, but which has now been discontinued owing to the opening of this box and also the re-organization of box distribution throughout the whole area, which comes into force with the opening of new boxes at the Wyatt Road Post Office in July."
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ALL FACTS VERIFIED BY TIlE RHODESIAN POLICE' Host: "Tonight's show comes live from the tiny village of Rabid in Buckinghamshire, and our first question tonight is from a Mrs Elizabeth Scrint who says she is going on a Mediterranean cruise next week and can't find anything wrong with the Syrians."
Voice Over: "This is the planet Algon, fifth world in the system of Aldebaran, the Red Giant in the constellation of Sagittarius. Here an ordinary cup of drinking chocolate costs four million pounds, an immersion heater for the hot-water tank costs over six billion pounds. and a pair of split-crotch panties would be almost unobtainable."
Interviewer: "Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at Crime. Is it true that the police are using dachshunds to combat the crime wave? And can the head of the Vice Squad turn himself into an albatross whenever he wants to? Just what are the police up to?"
First Planner: "I've got it. We can retitle the repeats." Second Planner: "What ... give them different names?" Chief Executive: "Wouldn't that mean retitling them?" Third Planner: "Brilliant!"
Milkman: "Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupled with acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex." Lady: "You are a bloody milkman!"
Psychiatrist: "Yes, well this is not at all uncommon. In certain mental states we find that auditory hallucinations occur which are of a most ... (he steps suddenly and listens; the sound of 'We're all going to the zoo tomorrow' is heard) Is that 'We're all going to the zoo tomorrow'?"
Mrs Mock Tudor: "People on television treat the general public like idiots." Mrs Elizabeth III: "Well we are idiots."
All: "It's ... Puss!" Audience: "Hello, Puss!" Principal Boy: "Hello, children!" Police Chief: "Stop! Stop this adaptation of 'Puss-in-Boots'! This is the Police Department of the State of Venezuela!" Principal Boy: "Oh no it isn't!" Police Chief: "Oh, yes it is!"
Voice Over: "Well they're under starter's orders for this very valuable Queen Victoria Handicap. And they're off, (the starting stall doors fly open; out come eight identically dressed Queen Victorias who go bustling off up the field) and Queen Victoria got a clean jump off, followed by Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria."
We don't know exactly when Her Majesty will be tuning in. We understand that at the moment she is watching 'The Virginian', but we have been promised that we will be informed the moment that she changes channel.
Interviewer: "Now if you and your pal had one big wish, Trevor, what would you like to see on television?" Trevor: "I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police." (fairy godmother trips lightly into shot)
Ratcatcher: "Um, that's an interesting word, isn't it?" Mrs Concrete: "What?" Ratcatcher: "Wainscotting ... Wainscotting ... Wainscotting ... sounds like a little Dorset village, doesn't it? Wainscotting." (cut to the village of Wains Cotting. A woman rushes out of a house) Woman: We've been mentioned on telly!
Interviewer: "Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of Britain's leading skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht." Raymond: "That's not my name." Interviewer: "I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t." Raymond: "No, no, no - it's spelt Raymond: Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'."
Indian: "When moon high over prairie ... when wolf howl over mountain, when mighty wind roar through Yellow Valley, we go Leatherhead Rep - block booking, upper circle - whole tribe get it on 3/6d each."
Compare: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the refreshment room here at Bletchley. (applause) My name is Kenny Lust and I'm your compere for tonight. You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege, to welcome here at the refreshment room, some of the truly great international artists of our time. (applause) And tonight we have one such artist. (grovelling) Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom I've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than ever before. (applause) A man, well more than a man, a god (applause), a great god, whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. (by now on his knees) Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth, than dare tread on the same Stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink." Voice Off Stage: "He can't come!" Compare: "Never mind, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Ken Buddha and his inflatable knees."
Man: "Are you the registrar?" Registrar: "I have that function." Man: "I was here on Saturday, getting married to a blond girl, and I'd like to change please. I'd like to have this one instead please."
First Man: "Er, excuse me, I want to get married." Registrar: "I'm afraid I'm already married, sir." First Man: "Er, no, no. I just want to get married." Registrar: "I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench." First Man: "Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary because..." Registrar: "You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage."
Announcer: "Sorry about that. And now for something completely diff... (the film sticks and repeats the end of the sentence several times) something completely diff... completely diff... completely diff... completely diff... completely different."
Waiter: "That's all right sir, we get all sorts of lines in here. The head waiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments, and now if you'll excuse me I have to go and commit suicide."
Restaurant Manager: "I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork." Man: "Oh please, it's only a tiny bit... I couldn't see it." Manager: "Ah you're good kind fine people, for saying that, but I can see it.., to me it's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus!" Man: "It's not as bad as that."
First Producer: "Was Sir Walter Scott a loony, or was he the greatest flowering of the early nineteenth-century romantic tradition? The most underestimated novelist of the nineteenth century... (another introducer of documentaries comes into shot and walks up to the first) . . . or merely a disillusioned and embittered man ... " Second Producer: "Excuse me ... (pointing at the microphone) can I borrow that, please." First Producer: "... yes." Second Producer: "Thank you. (he immediately starts on his own documentary) These trees behind me now were planted over forty years ago, as part of a policy by the then Crown Woods......"
Presenter: "Hello, and welcome to `A Room in Polonius's House'. Well tonight is European Cup night. One result is already in from Munich. The European Cup, first round, second leg, Bayern MÃ¼nchen 4397, Wrexham 1. So Wrexham going through there on aggregate. Well, now it's time for racing, so let's go over to Epsom and Brian McNutty."
Woman: "There's another dead bishop on the landing, Vicar Sergeant." Church Policeman: "Detective Parson madam. Suffragan or diocesan?" Woman: "How should I know?" Church Policeman: "It's tattooed on the back of their necks. Ere! Is that rat tart?" Woman: "Yes." Church Policeman: "Dissssgusting! Right! The hunt is on! (kneels) Oh Lord, we beseech thee. Tell us who croaked Leicester."
Woman: "It's so....sunny." Lionel: "Yes isn't it? I say anyone for tennis?" Julian: "Oh super!" Charles: "What fun." Julian: "I say, Lionel, catch." (he throws the tennis ball to Lionel. It hits Lionel on the head. Lionel claps one hand to his forehead. He roars in pain as blood seeps through his fingers) Lionel: "Oh gosh!"
Headmaster: "Right, it's come to my notice that certain boys have been running a unit-trust linked assurance scheme with fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities. Apparently small investors were attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times." Stebbins: It was Tidwell's idea, sir.
Bishop: "My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, it gives me very great pleasure to return to my old school, to present the prizes in this centenary year. This school takes very justifiable pride in its fine record of... aaaaarrgh! (Hands pull him down behind the table. Fighting, punching, struggle, grunts etc. No reaction at all from the distinguished guests. The bishop's head reappears for a moment. ) ... scholarship and sporting achievement in all... aaaarrgh!" (He disappears again. More noises. Up comes another bishop dressed identically.)
American Voice (very resonant): "The Universe consists of a billion, billion galaxies... 77,000,000,000 miles across, and every galaxy is made up of a billion, zillion stars and around these stars circle a billion planets, and of all of these planets the greenest and the pleasantest is the planet Earth, in the system of Sol, in the Galaxy known as the Milky Way ... And it was to this world that creatures of an alien planet came ... to conquer and destroy the very heart of civilization... " (mix into close-up of railway station sign: 'New Pudsey')
Film Producer Schlick: "Now this afternoon we're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat on to the ice floe and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes pssssssssshhh in slow motion." Interviewer Conger: "But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic." Schlick: "What?" Conger: "There aren't any lions in the Antarctic." Schlick: "You're right. There are no lions in the Antarctic. That's ridiculous; whoever heard of a lion in the Antarctic. Right. Lose the lion."
Voice Over: "From the same team that brought you ... 'Lawrence of Glareorgan' ... 'Bridge Over the River Trent' ... 'The Mad Woman of Biggleswade' ... and 'Krakatoa, East of Learnington' ... comes the story of three people and a woman united by fate who set out in search of the fabled Pole of the Sahara and found ... themselves. See ... Lieutenant Scott's death struggle with a crazed desert lion...."
Compere: "Wasn't he marvellous? The Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen and ladies, a very big welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social Security!"
Lafarge: "OK Stapleton, this is it. Where's Mahoney hidden the fillings?" Bookseller: "What fillings?" Lafarge: "You know which fillings, Stapleton. Upper right two and four, lower right three and two lower left one. Come on. (he threatens with the gun) Remember what happened to Nigel." Arthur: "What happened to Nigel?" Bookseller: "Orthodontic Jake gave him a gelignite mouth wash."
Visual sketch - Go and watch it! :-)
Sergeant: "What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?" Soldier: "Can't we do something else?" Other Soldier: "Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?" Sergeant: "Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!"
Padre, entering the sketch: "Sorry, I'm late, Headmaster - I've been wrestling with Plato." Headmaster: "What you do in your own time, Padre, is written on the wall in the vestry."
Colin Mozart, shouting: "Depressed by rats? Do mice get you down? Then why not visit Colin Mozart's Rodent Extermination Boutique. Rats extirpated, mice punished, voles torn apart by Colin Mozart, Munich's leading furry animal liquidator."
Presenter Dorian Williams: "And, she's taken it!! She's over the Minstrels. She just flicked Leslie Crowther with her tail, but the time's good, and now she turns before coming into the final jump ... this is a tough one. It's Ben-Hur ... forty-six chariots ... 6,000 spectators ... 400 slaves, lion-handlers, the Emperor Nero and the entire Coliseum. 198 feet high. 400 years across!"
Interviewer: "The Magna Carta - was it a document signed at Runnymede in 1215 by King John pledging independence to the English barons, or was it a piece of chewing gum on a bedspread in Dorset? The latter idea is the brainchild of a man new to the field of historical research. Mr Badger, why - why are you on this programme?" (Pull back to show Mr Badger. He wears a flat cap and has a Scots accent) Badger: "Well, I think I can answer this question most successfully in mime." (mimes incomprehensibly) Interviewer: "But why Dorset?" Badger: "Well, I have for a long time been suffering from a species of brain injury which I incurred during the rigours of childbirth, and I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose." Interviewer: "Mr Badger, I think you're the silliest person we've ever had on this programme, and so I'm going to ask you to have dinner with me."
Vicar: "...so I can go ahead and join you then? Can I?" Man and Woman: "Yes ... yes..." Vicar: "Won't be disturbing?" Man and woman: "No. No." Vicar: "Good, good. You're very kind. (he sits down) A lot of people are far less understanding than you are. A lot of people take offence even when I talk to them. (he makes strange gestures with his hands) Let alone when I specifically tell them about my being disturbing."
Doctor: "Next please. Name?" Watson: "Er, Watson." Doctor, writing it down: "Mr Watson." Watson: "Ah, no, Doctor." Doctor: "Ah, Mr Doctor." Watson: "No, not Mr, Doctor." Doctor: "Oh, Doctor, Doctor." Watson: "No, Doctor Watson." (sketch abandoned)
Interviewer: "Good morning." Candidate (Stig): "Good morning." Interviewer, writing: "Tell me why did you say 'good morning' when you know perfectly well that it's afternoon?" Stig: "Well, well, you said 'good morning'. Ha, ha." Interviewer, shaking head: "Good afternoon." Stig: "Ah, good afternoon?" Interviewer: "Oh dear! (writes again) Good evening." Stig: "... Goodbye?"
Vicar, pouring himself a sherry: "Right... now, then, what is the problem, Husband?" Mr. Husband: "Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers and the most sherry they can ship in any one load is 2,000 gallons." Vicar: "And how many glasses is that?" Mr. Husband: "That's roughly 540,000 glasses, Vicar."
Voice Over: "The Reverend Arthur Belling is Vicar of St Loony Up The Cream Bun and Jam. And now an appeal on behalf of the National Trust..."
Officer: "Have you read this, sir?" (holds up notice) Man: "No! Oh, yes, yes - yes." Officer: "Anything to declare?" Man: "Yes ... no! No! No! No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase no..." Officer: "No watches, cameras, radio sets?" Man: "Oh yes ... four watches ... no, no, no. No. One... one watch...No, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no." Officer: Which country have you been visiting, sir? Man: "Switzerland ... er ... no ... no ... not Switzerland ... er ... not Switzerland, it began with S but it wasn't Switzerland... oh what could it be? Terribly bad memory for names. What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?" Officer: "Spain?" Man: "Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm." Officer: "The label says 'Zurich', sir."
Sir William, President of Society: "...In this last year our Staffordshire branch has not succeeded in putting one thing on top of another (shame!). Therefore I call upon our Staffordshire delegate to explain this weird behaviour." Mr Cutler: "Er, Cutler, Staffordshire. Um ... well, Mr Chairman, it's just that most of the members in Staffordshire feel... the whole thing's a bit silly."
Man: "You sit here, dear." Wife: "All right." Man: (to Waitress) "Morning!" Waitress: "Morning!" Man: "Well, what've you got?" Waitress: "Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam." Vikings: (singing in tenor harmony) "Spam spam spam spam..."
Man: "Trouble at mill." Woman: "Oh no - what kind of trouble?" Man: "One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle." Woman: "Pardon?" Man: "One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle." Woman: "I don't understand what you're saying." Man: (slightly irritably and with exaggeratedly clear accent) "One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle." Woman: "Well what on earth does that mean?" Man: "I don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition." (JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang) Ximinez: "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our TWO weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our THREE weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our FOUR...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt) Man: (looking confused) "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition...."
Presenter: "Professor, you've spent many years researching into things, what do you think?" Professor: "I think it's too early to tell."
Presenter: "Yes, well done, Mrs L of Leicester, Mrs B of Buxton and Mrs G of Gotwick, the loony was of course the writer, Sir Walter Scott." (cut to Sir Walter Scott in his study) SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SIR WALTER SCOTT 1771 - 1832' Scott: "I didn't write that! Sounds more like Dickens..." (cut to Dickens at work in his study. He looks up) SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'CHARLES DICKENS 1812 - 1870' Dickens: "You bastard!"
Stock Exchange Analyst: "Trading was crisp at the start of the day with some brisk business on the floor. Rubber hardened and string remained confident. Little bits of tin consolidated although biscuits sank after an early gain and stools remained anonymous......"
Newsreader: "Good evening, here is the 6 o'clock News read by Michael Queen...." (at this point, axes split open the studio door behind him. Through the hole, men with stockings over their heads leap in firing guns in all directions. The newsreader continues, unperturbed. Cut to marauders pushing the newsreader, still at his desk down a passage in the BBC They rush him out of the TV Centre and onto the back of a lorry)
Chief Constable: "Er, now then sir, you are Attila the Hun?" Attila the Hun: "That's right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr and Mrs Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born."
Presenter: "Good evening and welcome to another edition of 'Storage Jars'. On tonight's programme Mikos Antoniarkis, the Greek rebel leader who seized power in Athens this morning, tells us what he keeps in storage jars."
Vera, an adulterous wife, tangles with her many boyfriends who have clambered through her bedroom window and are fighting next to her bed. Husband: "What's happening, Vera?" Vera: "Oh, nothing dear. Just a twig brushing against the window." Husband: "Righto!" (he goes back to sleep)
Mrs Lieutenant Edale here. Mrs Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again, so I put her in the torpedo tube â€¦ Roger, Mrs Edale. Stand by to fire Mrs Nesbitt.
Bolton Choral Society First Soloist singing: "Proust, in his first book wrote about, wrote about.." Second Soloist singing overlayed: "Proust in his first book wrote about, wrote about.." Tenors: "He wrote about..." (they continue contrapuntally, in madrigal, never getting beyond these words until they rallentando to say...) All: "Proust in his first book, in his first book, wrote about THE..." (gong sounds - end of time limit)
Michael Miles "Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?" Woman: "I don't know that!" Michael Miles: "Well, have a guess." Woman: "Henri Bergson." Michael Miles: "Is the correct answer!" Woman: "Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him."
Politician: "Good Lord, you're not suggesting we should tax... thingy?" First Official: "Poo poo's?" Third Official: "No." First Official: "Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment." (First Official leaves)
First Eskimo: "What does this Teddy Salad do?" Carpenter: "He's a... er... hen-teaser." (quick cut to the chairman of Fiat in his office) Chairman: "Che cosa Ã¨ la stucciacatori di polli?"
Cricket Commentator Jim: "And now it's Bo Wildeburg running in again to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs in. He bowls to Cowdrey - and no shot at all, a superb display of inertia there... And that's the end of the over, and drinks!" Cricket Commentator Peter: "Gin and tonic please!"
(Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts through the door) Muffin: "All fight, don't anybody move, there's been a murder." Mother: "A murder?" Muffin: "No... no ... not a murder... no what's like a murder only begins with B?" Son: "Birmingham?" Muffin: "No ... no ... no ... no ... no..." Doctor: "BurnIey?" Muffin: "Burnley - that's right! Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley." Son: "Burglary?" Muffin: "Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary - that's it, of course. There's been a burglary." Doctor: "Where?" Muffin: "In the back, just below the rib."
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SYR1A 1203' (...knights sack a village, looting, pillaging, burning and murdering....) Interviewer: (speaking with frequent pauses, as of one reading from a slow autocue) "That clip... comes from the new David O. Seltzer... film. The author... of that film clip ... is with me ... now. Doctor E. Henry ... Thripshaw." Thripshaw: "Well, I feel that they have missed the whole point of my disease." Interviewer: "This is .... always the problem ... with directors of film... clips." Thripshaw: "Yes, well you see, they've dragged in all this irrelevant mush..." Interviewer: "What... are you doing ... now?" Thripshaw: "Well at the moment I am working on a new disease, which I hope to turn into a musical..."
1st Voice Over: "Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC 2 now it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening it'll be ten o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9.20. Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now here is a time check. It's six and a half minutes to the big green thing." 2nd Voice Over: "You're a loony." 1st Voice Over: "I get so bored. I get so bloody bored."
Waiter: (coming to table) "Oh, Mr Willimas, it's so nice to see you. Will you sign this for my little daughter, please?" Timmy: "Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful. (signs) Just two lovely coffees, please." (Director comes in.) Director: "Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go from where Mario comes in, we're getting bad sound, OK?" Timmy: "It's German television. Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing a prize-winning documentary on me." (We see a film camera and the whole crew gathered round.) Clapper Boy: " 'The Wonderful Mr Williams', scene 239, take 2." Director: "Action!"
Customer: "Good morning." Shopkeeper: "Good morning, sir. Can I help you?" Customer: "Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me." Shopkeeper: "Yes, sir?" Customer: "I come about your advert - 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'." Shopkeeper: "Ah. You wish to buy it?" Customer: "That's fight. Just for the hour. Only I aint gonna pay more'n a fiver cos it aint worth it." Shopkeeper: "Well it's come from a very good home - it's house trained." (and on and on it goes....you get the drift)
Host: "In the debate a spokesman accused the Government of being silly and doing not at all good things. The member accepted this in a spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he'd ever been naughty with a choirboy. Angry shouts of 'what about the watermelon, then?' were ordered by the Speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy. Any further interruptions would be cut off and distributed amongst the poor. For the Government a Front Bench Spokesman said the agricultural tariff would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit. Furthermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers, and a lot of fun to him, his friend and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge. From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'who likes a sailor, then?' from the Minister without Portfolio. Replying, the Shadow Minister said, he could no longer deny the rumours but he and the dachshund were very happy; and, in any case, he argued, rhubarb was cheap and what was the harm in a sauna bath."
Old newsreel style voice over: "...And those continentals had better watch out for their dirty foreign literature. Jean-Paul Sartre and Jean Genet won't know what's hit them. Never mind the foulness of their language - come '73 they'll all have to write in British. (housewives burning books: 'Bertrand Russell', 'Das Kapital', the 'Guardian ', 'Sartre', 'Freud') You can keep your fastidious continental bidets Mrs Foreigner - Mrs Britain knows how to keep her feet clean ... but she'll baffle like bingo boys when it comes to keeping the television screen clean..."
Toupee Manager: "Don't worry, sir, you're among friends now, sir. (the manager has an appalling toupee; Customer sees it and tries not to stare; the manager introduces his assistants) Mr Bradford, Mr Crawley. (Bradford and Crawley come forward; each has a toupee worst than the others) These are our fitters, sir. We've had a lot of experience. in this field and we do pride ourselves we offer the best and most discreet service available. I don't know whether you'll believe this sir, but one of us is actually wearing a toupee at this moment..."
Voice Over: "Here is a preview of some of the programmes you'll be able to see coming shortly on BBC Television. To kick off with there's variety ... (still picture of Peter West and Brian Johnston) Peter West and Brian Johnston star in 'Rain Stopped Play', a whacky new comedy series about the gay exploits of two television cricket commentators (photo of E. W. Swanton) with E. W. Swanton as Aggie the kooky Scots maid. For those of you who don't like variety, there's variety, with Brian Close at the Talk of the Town. (Brian Close in cricket whites on a stage) And of course there'll be sport. The Classics series (engraving of London and caption: 'The Classics) return to BBC 2 with twenty-six episodes of John Galsworthy's 'Snooker My Way' (composite photo of Nyree Dawn Porter holding a snooker cue) with Nyree Dawn Porter repeating her triumph as Joe Davis. And of course there'll be sport. Comedy is not forgotten (Caption: 'Comedy) with Jim Laker (photo of Laker) in 'Thirteen Weeks of Off-spin Bowling'. Jim plays the zany bachelor bowler in a new series of 'Owzat', with Anneley Brummond-Haye on Mr Softee (photo of same) as his wife. And of course there'll be sport. 'Panorama' will be returning, introduced ('Panorama' caption with photo of Tony Jacklin) as usual by Tony Jacklin, and Lulu (photo of Lulu) will be tackling the Old Man of Hoy (photo of same). And for those of you who prefer drama - there's sport. On 'Show of the Week' Kenneth Wostenholme sings. (still of him, superimposed over Flick Colby Dancers, Pans People, ono) And for those of you who don't like television there's David Coleman. (picture of him smiling) And of course there'11 be sport. But now for something completely different - sport."
Gary: "Good evening. This new series of 'Trim-Jeans Theatre Presents' will enable you to enjoy the poetry of T. S. Eliot whilst losing unsightly trouser bulge."
General: "Five shillings a dozen? That's ordinary cabbages, is it? And what about the bombs? Good Lord, they are expensive!" (soon after) Corporal: "Big enemy attack at dawn, sir ..." General: "Yes ... ?" Corporal: "Well, the enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir ... and ... they had fairy wands with big stars on the end ... and ... " General: "They what ... ?" Corporal: ".. and ... they had spiders in matchboxes, sir."
Assistant: "Morning, sir, can I help you?" Customer: "Yes, yes... I wondered if you have any part-time vacancies on your books." Assistant: "Part-time, I'll have a look, sir. (he gets out a book and looks through it) Let me look now. We've got, ah yes, Sir Walter Raleigh is equipping another expedition to Virginia; he needs traders and sailors. Vittlers needed at:the Court of Philip of Spain, oh, yes, and they want master joiners and craftsmen for the building of the Globe Theatre." Customer: "I see. Have you anything a bit more modern, you know, like a job on the buses, or digging the underground?"
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'TODAY IN PARLIAMENT HAS NOW BECOME THE CLASSIC SERIAL' Newsreader: "He in turn has been revealed by D'Arcy as something less than an honest man. Sybil feels once again a resurgence of her old affection and she and Balreau return to her little house in Clermont-Ferrand, the kind of two-up, two-down house that most French workers throughout the European Community are living in today...." SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE CLASSIC SERIAL HAS NOW BECOME THE TUESDAY DOCUMENTARY' Presenter: "The ease of construction, using on-site prefabrication facilities (the camera starts to pull out slowly from the photo to reveal the photo is part of the backdrop of a documentary set about the building trade; the documentary Presenter is sitting in a chair) makes cheap housing a reality. The walls of these houses are lined with pre-stressed asbestos which keeps the house warm and snuggly and ever so safe from the big bad rabbit, who can scratch and scratch for all he's worth, but he just can't get into Porky's house...." SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE TUESDAY DOCUMENTARY HAS BECOME "CHILDREN'S STORY" '...
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTIONS: 'THE GREAT DEBATE' 'NUMBER 31' 'TV4 OR NOT TV4?' Kennedy: "Gentlemen - should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?" Throat: "Yes." Kennedy: "Francis?" Kinwoodie: "No." Kennedy: "Sir Abe?" Sappenheim: "Yes." Kennedy: Patrick?" Loone: "No." SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'YES 2 NO 2'
Larry: "Good morning boys." Writers: "Good morning Mr Saltzberg." (they run to help him into his chair) Larry: (sitting) "Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Now, boys, I want you to know that I think you are the best six writers in movies today. (the writers are overcome) I want you to know that I've had an idea for the next movie I'm going to produce and I want you boys to write it." (the writers run and kiss him) Writers: "Thank you! Thank you!"
Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Opening shot: ...a Scotsman lying on his back with his knees drawn up in the middle of a field. Two Russian bomb experts are crawling towards him cautiously. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN DISPOSAL SQUAD' They go to work on him. Tense close ups. They sweat. Finally they remove his head. One of them runs hurriedly and places it in a bucket labelled 'Vodka '. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'WHISKY' The sound of drunken gurglings comes from the bucket.
Commentator: "...Well the competitors will be off' in a moment so let me just identify for you. (camera zooms in on the competitors) Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basketÂ· And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit...."
Opening shot: A high street. Musical theme played on a banjo Ã la `Steptoe and Son' opening. Cut to a tracking shot of two tramps walking jauntily along. They are very arch, over-the-top jolly fellows. They nod at the occasional passer-by and do mock bows to a city gent....Voice Over: "Taking life as it comes, sharing the good things and the bad things, finding laughter and fun wherever they go -- it is with these two happy-go-lucky rogues that our story begins. (by this time the tramps have walked out of shot; cut to a shot of a sports car up on the pavement with the legs of the two tramps sticking out from underneath; the music turns more urgent and transatlantic) For it is they who were run over by Alex Diamond ..."
Vicar: Hello, "I'm your new vicar. Can I interest you in any encyclopaedias?" Mrs Shazam: "Ah, no thank you. We're not Church people, thank you." (The vicar opens his suitcase to reveal it is packed with brushes.) Vicar: "How about brushes? Nylon or bristle? Strong-tufted, attractive colours." Mrs Shazam: "No - really, thank you, vicar. "
(Victor and Iris are having a romantic evening together) Victor: "Who can that be?" Arthur: "Hello!.....Remember me?...In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?" Victor: "No, I don't I'm afraid." Arthur: "...Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening." Victor: "Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening." (The doorbell goes again) Victor: "Who the hell... " Brian: "Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold." Audrey: "Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..." (doorbell sounds more and more frequently)
Landlady: "Oh, you must be tired. It's a long way from Coventry, isn't it?" Johnson: "Well, we usually reckon on five and a half hours and it took us six hours and 53 minutes, with the 25 minute stop at Frampton Cottrell to stretch our legs; and we had to wait half an hour to get onto the M5 at Droitwich." Landlady: "Really?" Johnson: "Then there was a three mile queue just before Bridgewater on the A38. We usually come round on the B3339, you see, just before Bridgewater." Landlady: "Yeah. Really?"
Counselor: "Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And w/hereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon!"
Compere: "These historic pictures of Queen Victoria, taken in 1880 at Osbome show the Queen with Gladstone. This unique film provides a rare glimpse into the private world of a woman who ruled half the earth. The commentary, recorded on the earliest wax cylinders, is spoken by Alfred Lord Tennyson, the Poet Laureate." Tennyson: "Well hello, it's the wacky Queen again! (the Queen repeatedly nudges Gladstone in the ribs and chucks him under the chin) And who's the other fella? It's Willie Gladstone! And when these two way-out wacky characters get together there's fun a-plenty...."
Attenborough: (slapping the side of a tree) "Well here it is at last ... the goal of our quest After six months and three days we've caught up with the legendary walking tree of Dahomey, Quercus Nicholas Parsonus, resting here for a moment, on its long journey south. It's almost incredible isn't it, to think that this huge tree has walked over two thousand miles across this inhospitable terrain to stop here, maybe just to take in water before the two thousand miles on to Cape Town, where it lives. It's almost unimaginable, I find - the thought of this mighty tree strolling through Nigeria, perhaps swaggering a little as it crosses the border into Zaire, hopping through the tropical rain forests, trying to find a quiet grove where it could jump around on its own, sprinting up to Zambia for the afternoon, then nipping back ... (a native whispers in his ear) Oh, super ... well, I've just been told that this is not in fact the legendary walking tree of Dahomey, this is one of Africa's many stationary trees, Arborus Barnbet Gaseoignus. In fact we've just missed the walking tree... it left here at eight o'clock this morning... was heading off in that direction... so we'll see if we can go and catch it up. Come on boys."
Man: "Ooh. Ooh." Wife: "Oh, what is it dear?" Man: "It's from the BBC. They want to know if I want to he in a sketch on telly." Wife: "Oooh. That's nice." Man: "What? It's acting innit?" Wife: "Yes." Man: "Well I'm a plumber. I can't act!"
Tourist: "Yes I quite agree I mean what's the point of being treated like sheep. What's the point of going abroad if you're just another tourist carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Coventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their Sunday Mirrors, complaining about the tea - 'Oh they don't make it properly here, do they, not like at home' - and stopping at Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in their cotton frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh 'cos they 'overdid it on the first day'."
Mrs Trepidatious: "What? Dr Morrison? He's killed more patients than I've had severe boils." Mrs O: "What do the stars say?" Mrs Trepidatious: "Well, Petula Clark says burst them early, but David Frost... " Mrs O: "No, the stars in the paper, you cloth-eared heap of anteater's catarrh, the zodiacal signs, the horoscopic fates, the astrological portents, the omens, the genethliac prognostications, the mantalogical harbingers, the vaticinal utterances, the ffatidica! premonitory uttering of the mantalogical omens - what do the bleeding stars in the paper predict, forecast, prophesy, foretell, prognosticate... ?"
CAPTION: 'WHICKER'S WORLD' (Various Whickers pace past the camera.) First Whicker: "Today we look at a vanishing race. A problem people who are fast disappearing off the face of the earth." Second Whicker: "A race who one might say are losing a winning battle." Third Whicker: "They live in a sunshine paradise, a Caribbean dream, where only reality is missing." Fourth Whicker: "For this is Whicker Island."
Interviewer: "...you know, we find that nine out of ten British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab." Pepperpots: "It's true, we can't. No."
Father: "Yes, you can't beat wood ... Gorn!" Mother: "What's gorn dear?" Father: "Nothing, nothing, I just like the word. It gives me confidence. Gorn ... gorn. It's got a sort of woody quality about it. Gorn. Gorn. Much better than `newspaper' or `litterbin'." Daughter: "Frightful words!" Mother: "Perfectly dreadful!" Father: "Ugh! Newspaper! ... litterbin ... dreadful tinny sort of words. Tin, tin, tin." (daughter bursts into tears)
Mum: "He's had a hard day dear... his new play opens at the National Theatre tomorrow." Ken: "Oh that's good." Dad: "Good? Good?? What do you know about it? What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris... back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footballerÂ· That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!" Mum: "Oh, don't shout at the boy, father." Dad: "Aye, 'ampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it? ... you had to go poncing off to BarnsIey, you and yer coal-mining friends." (spits)
Captain: "Do not rush for the lifeboats - remember, women and children first." First Officer (wearing red indian outfit): "And red indians!" Captain: "What did you have to get dressed up like that for?" First Officer: "It was the only thing left." Captain: "Oh. All right. (into the PA) Women, children and Red Indians... " Second Officer: "And spacemen!"
Interviewer: "Good evening, and welcome once again to the Epilogue. On the programme this evening we have Monsignor Edward Gay, visiting Pastoral Emissary of the Somerset Theological College and author of a number of books about belief, the most recent of which is the best seller 'My God'. And opposite him we have Dr Tom Jack: humanist, broadcaster, lecturer and author of the book 'Hello Sailor'. Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non-existence of God, they have decided to fight for it. The existence, or non-existence, to be determined by two falls, two submissions, or a knockout. All right boys, let's get to it. Your master of ceremonies for this evening - Mr Arthur Waring."
Voice Over: "And now for the very first time on the silver screen comes the film from two books which once shocked a generation. From Emily BrontÃ«'s 'Wuthering Heights' and from the 'International Guide to Semaphore Code'. Twentieth Century Vole presents 'The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights'."
Sergeant: "Got a family of your own 'ave you?" Jenkins: "No, she's ... she's all I got left now. My wife, Doreen ... she .. I got a letter..." Sergeant: "You don't have to tell me, son." Jenkins: "No, sarge, I'd like to tell you, see this place..." (Cut to long shot of bunker. Floor manager strides on to set.) Floor Manager: "Hold it. Hold it. Look, loves ... can anyone not involved in this scene, please leave the set. (he starts to herd out anyone not in First War costume) Now! Come on please. Anyone not concerned in this scene, the canteen's open upstairs. (sheikh, male mermaid etc. troop off) Now come on please. (to soldiers) Sorry loves. Sorry. We'll have to take it again, from the top. All fight. OK... Cue!"
Major: "Right now, the man who gets the shortest strain knows what to do." Sergeant: "Looks like you, sir." Major: "Is it? What did we say, the longest straw was it?" Sergeant: "No, shortest, sir." Major: "Well we'd better do it again, there's obviously been a bit of a muddle."
Von Bulow: (approaching Zeppelin) "Herr Zeppelin - it's wonderful! It's put ballooning right back on the map." Zeppelin: "It's not a balloon! D'you hear?... It's not a balloon ... It's an airship ... an airship ... d'you hear?" Von Bulow: "Well, it's very nice anyway." Tirpitz: "Tell me, what is the principle of these balloons?" Zeppelin: "It's not a balloon! You stupid little thick-headed Saxon git! It's not a balloon! Balloons is for kiddy-winkies. If you want to play with balloons, get outside." (throws Tirpitz out the Zeppelin door)
Facts contributed by: