HomeFactopediaBrainoffsRankingsCommunityLog In
You know 0 facts


Monty Python - Memorable Lines

Your overall rating on Monty Python - Memorable Lines =
0%
Your best rally score on Monty Python - Memorable Lines = 0 facts

Play Fact Master on Monty Python - Memorable Lines    

Challenge Friends to a Brainoff on Monty Python - Memorable Lines    

Play a Rally Game on Monty Python - Memorable Lines    



These sketches are from the Monty Python’s Flying Circus tv programme. You can view the full scripts of Monty Python’s Flying Circus here
One sketch is not from the Flying Circus series, although many people believe it is. The ‘Four Yorkshiremen’ sketch originally appeared on the 'At Last the 1948 Show' but also appeared on the Python album ‘Live At Drury Lane, 1974’ as well as being performed live on many occasions.

90 facts:

Agatha Christie
   contains the line   
No One Must Ask the Room to Leave.
"This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no, I must ask everybody to ... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. "
Agatha Christie
   contains the line   
Now, Alduce Me to Introlow Myslef.
"Now, alduce me to introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef. Introme -to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. (bangs himself on the side of the head) Allow me to introduce myself."
The Architect
   contains the line   
… You Are Proposing to Slaughter Our Tenants?
"Client 2: Do I take it that you are proposing to slaughter our tenants? Mr. Wiggin: ...Does that not fit in with your plans? Client 1: Not really. We asked for a simple block of flats."
Attila the Nun
   contains the line   
A Simple Country Girl Who Took a Vow of Eternal Brutality.
BBC News (Handovers)
   contains the line   
Capital Punishment is to Be Re-introduced in the 1st & 2nd Division.
Sport: capital punishment is to be re-introduced in the first and second division. Any player found tackling from behind or controlling the ball with the lower part of the arm will be hanged. But the electric chair remains the standard punishment for threatening the goalie.
Blancmanges Playing Tennis
   contains the line   
Two Spectators Have Rushed Onto the Pitch With Spoons & Forks
So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now ... This is indeed a grim day for the human race, Dan … But what's this? Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and forks... what are they going to do?
Blood, Devastation, Death, War, and Horror
   contains the line   
I'm Working on 'The Mating of the Wersh'
I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare? … Ta the mnemot I'm wroking on 'The Mating of the Wersh'.
Boxing Commentary
   contains the line   
... Pity the Rest of His Body Wasn't There to See It
What a plucky fighter this Champ is ... Must be losing blood at a rate of a pint a second now ... those who paid one and a half million dollars for those ringside seats are really getting their money's worth ... And his head's off! ... the referee raises the arm of the new World Heavyweight Champion. What a pity the rest of his body wasn't there to see it.
Boxing Match Aftermath
   contains the line   
… He Kept Fighting After His Head Came Off!
Wasn't he great my boy? 2nd Assistant: He was great, Mr Gabriello. Mr Gabriello: The way he kept fighting after his head came off! 2nd Assistant: He was better when the head came off, Mr Gabriello.
Boxing Tonight - Jack Bodell Vs. Sir Kenneth Clark
   contains the line   
… Lincolnshire Heavyweight Becomes the New Oxford Professor of Fine Art.
Jack Bodel has defeated Sir Kenneth Clark in the very first round here tonight and so this big Lincolnshire heavyweight becomes the new Oxford Professor of Fine Art.
Bruces
   contains the line   
Rule 6 - There is No Rule 6!
I'll just remind you of the faculty rules: Rule 1 - no pooftahs. Rule 2, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever - if there's anybody watching. Rule 3 - no pooftahs. Rule 4 - I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out. Rule 5 - no pooftahs. Rule 6 - there is no rule 6! Rule 7 - no pooftahs.
Bruces
   contains the line   
Rule 7 - No Pooftahs
I'll just remind you of the faculty rules: Rule 1 - no pooftahs. Rule 2, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever - if there's anybody watching. Rule 3 - no pooftahs. Rule 4 - I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out. Rule 5 - no pooftahs. Rule 6 - there is no rule 6! Rule 7 - no pooftahs.
Buying a Bed
   contains the line   
Did Someone Say Mattress to Mr Lambert?
“Mr Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing. Husband: Oh. Mr Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time... Manager: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?”
Buying a Bed
   contains the line   
I've Got to Get Him to the Fish Tank and Sing.
“Mr Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing. Husband: Oh. Mr Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time... Manager: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?”
Camel Spotting
   contains the line   
A Camel Has a Refreshment Car, Buffet, & Ticket Collector.
Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector.
Confuse-a-Cat
   contains the line   
… Your Cat Badly Needs to Be Confused
I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused ... To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card.
Conquistador Coffee Campaign
   contains the line   
Free Dead Dog With Every Jar
Special introductory offer of a free dead dog with every jar
Court Scene (Charades)
   contains the line   
Put Her in the Comfy Chair!
So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! ... ""You have been found not gillcup of the charges brought against you and may leave this court a free man."
Current Affairs
   contains the line   
Have You Heard the One About the Three Nuns in the Nudist Colony?
The Cycling Tour
   contains the line   
My Sandwiches Were Badly Crushed.
Pither, the cyclist (Voice Over): "August 18th. Fell off near Bovey Tracey. The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed."
Dead Parrot
   contains the line   
Bereft of Life, It Rests in Peace.
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Dead Parrot
   contains the line   
Ello, I Wish to Register a Complaint.
“Mr. Praline: Ello, I wish to register a complaint. … I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it? ... Mr. Praline: 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it! Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.“
Dead Parrot
   contains the line   
If You Hadn't Nailed It to the Perch
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Dead Parrot
   contains the line   
It Has Ceased to Be.
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Dead Parrot
   contains the line   
It's Expired and Gone to Meet Its Maker.
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Dead Parrot
   contains the line   
It's Rung Down the Curtain & Joined the Choir Invisible.
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Dead Parrot
   contains the line   
...probably Pining for the Fjords
"Mr. Praline: That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk. Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords. Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?"
Dead Parrot
   contains the line   
This is an Ex-parrot
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Dennis Moore Rides Again
   contains the line   
He's Taken All Our Lupins
He seeks them here ... he seeks them there ... he seeks those lupins everywhere. The murdering blackguard! He's taken all our lupins ... Look. The cat's just choked itself to death on them. (dead cat with lupins coming out of its mouth) I don't care if I never see another lupin till the day I die! Why don't you go out and steal something useful!
Erizabeth L
   contains the line   
Tudor Nobility Ligging Around on Motorized Bicycles
It's bleeding weird having half the Tudor nobility ligging around on motorized bicycles.
Exploding Penguin Sketch
   contains the line   
… Time for the Penguin on Top of Your Tv Set to Explode
"TV Announcer: It's just gone eight o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your tv set to explode. [The penguin explodes...] Woman 1: How did he know that was going to happen? TV Announcer: It was an inspired guess."
Flying Sheep
   contains the line   
... Trying to Teach Her Lamb to Fly
It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds ... Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their back legs. Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet. ... that ewe in that oak tree. She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly. (baaaaaa...thump)
Four Yorkshiremen
   contains the line   
… 150 of Us Living in T' Shoebox in T' Middle O' Road.
“2nd Yorkshireman: We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and live in a lake. 3rd Yorkshireman: You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in t' shoebox in t' middle o' road.” This sketch originally from the 'At Last the 1948 Show', also on the Python album ‘Live At Drury Lane, 1974’
Four Yorkshiremen
   contains the line   
We Lived for 3 Months in a Paper Bag in a Septic Tank
“You were lucky. We lived for 3 months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at 6 in the morning ... go to work down t' mill, ... for 6d a week, & when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi' his belt.” Originally from the 'At Last the 1948 Show', also on the album ‘Live At Drury Lane, 1974’
Four Yorkshiremen
   contains the line   
We Used to Dream of Livin' in a Corridor!
“Oh, we used to dream of livin' in a corridor! Would ha' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip.” This sketch originally from the 'At Last the 1948 Show' also on the Python album ‘Live At Drury Lane, 1974’
Four Yorkshiremen
   contains the line   
We Used to Have to Drink out of a Rolled up Newspaper.
“4th Yorkshireman: Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper. 2nd Yorkshireman: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.” From the ‘At Last the 1948 Show‘ also the Python album ‘Live At Drury Lane, 1974’
Four Yorkshiremen
   contains the line   
We Were Evicted from Our 'ole in the Ground
4th Yorkshireman: Well, when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, ... 2nd Yorkshireman: We were evicted from our 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and live in a lake.” This sketch originally from the ‘At Last the 1948 Show’ also on the Python album ‘Live At Drury Lane, 1974’
The Funniest Joke in the World
   contains the line   
Joke Warfare Was Banned …
"In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again."
The Funniest Joke in the World
   contains the line   
Over 60,000 Times As Powerful As Britain's Great Pre-war Joke
"It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke … Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper"
George III
   contains the line   
I'm Not Supposed to Go Mad Till 1800!
Girls' Boarding School
   contains the line   
A Goat With Light Bulbs Hanging from Each Foot.
Hanging from the middle of the ceiling is a goat with light bulbs hanging from each foot.
Hell's Grannies
   contains the line   
If She Can't Get the Wool She Gets Violent.
20 balls of wool a day, sometimes. If she can't get the wool she gets violent.
Hell's Grannies
   contains the line   
... These Layabouts in Lace?
What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?
Historical Impersonations
   contains the line   
Now W. G. Grace As a Music Box.
Hospital Run
   contains the line   
Proper Little Mummy's Boy, Aren't We?
Fractured tibia, sergeant'? Ooh. Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we?
The Hungarian Phrasebook
   contains the line   
My Hovercraft is Full of Eels.
Hungarian: "...I will not buy this 'tobacconist's', it is scratched." Clerk: "No, no, no, no. Tobacco ... um ... cigarettes." (holds up a pack) Hungarian: "Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels." Clerk: "Sorry?"
Inspector Flying Fox of the Yard
   contains the line   
Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
I'm charging you under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
It's the Arts
   contains the line   
Get Your Own Arts Programme, You Fairy!
Jungle Restaurant
   contains the line   
May I Recommend the Alligator Purees.
Language Laboratory
   contains the line   
I Cannot Comment on That Until It's Been Officially Hushed Up.
Lifeboat (Cannibalism)
   contains the line   
We Can Eat the Rest of Johnson Cold for Supper.
... after that we can eat the rest of Johnson cold for supper.
Lumberjack Song
   contains the line   
I Put on Women's Clothing, & Hang Around in Bars.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars.
Lumberjack Song
   contains the line   
I Sleep All Night and I Work All Day
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,I sleep all night and I work all day"
Lumberjack Song
   contains the line   
I Wear High Heels, Suspenders & a Bra.
“I chop down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie Just like my dear Mama.”
The Ministry of Silly Walks
   contains the line   
I Mean, the Right Leg Isn't Silly at All...
"Mr Pudey: Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it. ... Minister: lt's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step. Mr Pudey: Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly."
The Ministry of Silly Walks
   contains the line   
Lt's Not Particularly Silly, is It?
"Mr Pudey: Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it. ... Minister: lt's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step. Mr Pudey: Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly."
Mosquito Hunters
   contains the line   
I Love Animals, That's Why I Like to Kill 'em.
"Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. I wouldn't kill an animal I didn't like."
Mosquito Hunters
   contains the line   
I Wouldn't Kill an Animal I Didn't Like
"Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. I wouldn't kill an animal I didn't like."
Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion Visit Jean-Paul Sartre
   contains the line   
If It Wasn't for the Goat You Couldn't Get in Here for Propaganda.
I was saying solidarity with the masses I said... pie in the sky! ... I mean, look at this place! I'm at my wits end. Revolutionary leaflets everywhere. One of these days I'll revolutionary leaflets him. If it wasn't for the goat you couldn't get in here for propaganda.
The Man Who Says Words in the Wrong Order
   contains the line   
Not Going to Bush the Doctor About the Beat...
Dr. Thripshaw: "Come in." Burrows: "Can I down sit?" Dr. Thripshaw: "Certainly. (Burrows sits) Well, then?" Burrows: "Well, now, not going to bush the doctor about the beat too long. I'm going to come to point the straight immediately."
Naughty Bits
   contains the line   
The Naughty Bits of an Ant.
Voice Over: Number ten. The big toe." Voice Over: "Number eleven. More naughty bits." Voice Over: "Number twelve. The naughty bits of a lady." Voice Over: "Number thirteen. The naughty bits of a horse." Voice Over: "Number fourteen. The naughty bits of an ant."
The News for Parrots
   contains the line   
No Parrots Were Involved in an Accident on the M1
Narrator: "Good evening. Here is the News for parrots. No parrots were involved in an accident on the M1 today, when a lorry carrying high octane fuel was in collision with a bollard ... that is a bollard and not a parrot. A spokesman for parrots said he was glad no parrots were involved.
The News for Parrots
   contains the line   
A Spokesman for Parrots Said He Was Glad No Parrots Were Involved.
Narrator: "Good evening. Here is the News for parrots. No parrots were involved in an accident on the M1 today, when a lorry carrying high octane fuel was in collision with a bollard ... that is a bollard and not a parrot. A spokesman for parrots said he was glad no parrots were involved.
Nudge Nudge
   contains the line   
A Nod's As Good As a Wink to a Blind Bat …
"A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more!"
Nudge Nudge
   contains the line   
Nudge Nudge, Know What I Mean?
Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more...know what I mean?
Nudge Nudge
   contains the line   
… Say No More, Say No More!
"A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more!"
Oscar Wilde
   contains the line   
Your Majesty is Like a Big Jam Doughnut
Oscar Wilde: Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top." Prince of Wales: (indignantly) "I beg your pardon?" ... James Whistler: "... Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more.
Pet Conversions
   contains the line   
Terriers Make Lovely Fish
Customer wants a dog converted to a parrot ... Shopkeeper: "Oh dear, it's a long job, you see - parrot conversion. Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint,"
Philip Jenkinson on Cheese Westerns
   contains the line   
The Cheese Who Shot Liberty Valence
Philip Jenkinson: "Horace Walpole's 'Rogue Cheddar', (sniff) one of the first of the Cheese Westerns to be later followed by 'Gunfight at Gruyere Corral', 'Ilchester 73', and 'The Cheese Who Shot Liberty Valence'.
The Piranha Brothers
   contains the line   
… a Giant Hedgehog Whom He Referred to As 'Spiny Norman'
“Interviewer: Was there anything unusual about him? Gloria: I should say not. Except, that Dinsdale was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as 'Spiny Norman'. “
The Piranha Brothers
   contains the line   
He Nailed Your Head to the Floor?
“Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor." Interviewer: He nailed your head to the floor?”
Poets
   contains the line   
I've Come to Read Your Poet.
Muffled Voice: "I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high..." Inspector: "Morning, madam, I've come to read your poet." She: "Oh yes, he's in the cupboard under the stairs." Inspector: "What is it, a Swinburne? Shelley?" She: "No, it's a Wordsworth." Inspector: "Oh, bloody daffodils!"
Police Helmets
   contains the line   
I Didn't Join the Police Force Just to Wear the Helmets
Mind you I didn't join the police force just to wear the helmets you know. That just happens to be one of the little perks. There are plenty of jobs where I could have worn a helmet, but not such a nice helmet. This helmet, I think, beats even some of the more elaborate helmets worn by the Tsar's private army ...
Policemen Make Wonderful Friends
   contains the line   
... What Live Theatre Needs - a Few More Massacres.
Mum: There's been another Indian massacre at Dorking Civic Theatre." Dad: "About time too dear... Mum: 'Those who were left alive at the end got their money back'. Dad: That's what live theatre needs - a few more massacres ... Mum: 'The police are anxious to speak to anyone who saw the crime, ladies with large breasts, or just anyone who likes policemen.'
Prices on the Planet Algon
   contains the line   
… Cup of Drinking Chocolate Costs £4,000,000
Voice Over: "This is the planet Algon, fifth world in the system of Aldebaran, the Red Giant in the constellation of Sagittarius. Here an ordinary cup of drinking chocolate costs four million pounds, an immersion heater for the hot-water tank costs over six billion pounds. and a pair of split-crotch panties would be almost unobtainable."
Salvation Fuzz
   contains the line   
I'll Have a Slice Without So Much Rat in It.
(Dead Bishop) Well there's rat cake ... rat sorbet... rat pudding... or strawberry tart. Man: Strawberry tart?! Woman: Well it's got some rat in it. Man: How much? Woman: Three, rather a lot really. Man: ... well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.
Salvation Fuzz
   contains the line   
There's Another Dead Bishop on the Landing
(Dead Bishop) Woman: "There's another dead bishop on the landing, Vicar Sergeant." Church Policeman: "Detective Parson madam. Suffragan or diocesan?" Woman: "How should I know?" Church Policeman: "It's tattooed on the back of their necks. "
Salvation Fuzz
   contains the line   
… There's Rat Cake ... Rat Sorbet...
(Dead Bishop)"Well there's rat cake ... rat sorbet... rat pudding... or strawberry tart. Man: Strawberry tart?! Woman: Well it's got some rat in it. Man: How much? Woman: Three, rather a lot really. Man: ... well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it."
Scott of the Antarctic
   contains the line   
Right, Lose the Lion.
We're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat on to the ice floe and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes pssssssssshhh in slow motion. Interviewer Conger: "But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic."... That's ridiculous; whoever heard of a lion in the Antarctic. Right. Lose the lion."
Scott of the Antarctic
   contains the line   
Whoever Heard of a Lion in the Antarctic.
We're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat on to the ice floe and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes pssssssssshhh in slow motion. Interviewer Conger: "But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic."... That's ridiculous; whoever heard of a lion in the Antarctic. Right. Lose the lion."
Spam
   contains the line   
Spam Bacon Sausage and Spam
Waitress: "Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam." Vikings: (singing in tenor harmony) "Spam spam spam spam..."
The Spanish Inquisition
   contains the line   
Trouble at Mill.
Man: "Trouble at mill." Woman: "Oh no - what kind of trouble?" Man: "One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle." ... Woman: "Well what on earth does that mean?" Man: "I don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."
Thripshaw's Disease
   contains the line   
... a New Disease, Which I Hope to Turn Into a Musical.
Thripshaw: Well, I feel that they have missed the whole point of my disease." ... they've dragged in all this irrelevant mush..." Interviewer: "What... are you doing ... now?" Thripshaw: "Well at the moment I am working on a new disease, which I hope to turn into a musical..."
The Time on BBC 1
   contains the line   
We'll Be Joining BBC 2 in Time for 10.33
Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC 2 now it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening it'll be 10 o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9.20. Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine."
Today in Parliament
   contains the line   
Rhubarb Was Cheap & What Was the Harm in a Sauna Bath.
Replying, the Shadow Minister said, he could no longer deny the rumours but he and the dachshund were very happy; and, in any case, he argued, rhubarb was cheap and what was the harm in a sauna bath."
Today in Parliament
   contains the line   
… 'what About the Watermelon, Then?'
Host: "In the debate a spokesman accused the Government of being silly and doing not at all good things. The member ... denied that he'd ever been naughty with a choirboy. Angry shouts of 'what about the watermelon, then?' were ordered by the Speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy.
Upper-class Twit of the Year
   contains the line   
Married to a Very Attractive Table Lamp
Commentator: ...Well the competitors will be off' in a moment ... Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket."
Vicar/Salesman
   contains the line   
I'm Your New Vicar, Can I Interest You in Any Encyclopaedias?
Vicar: Hello, "I'm your new vicar. Can I interest you in any encyclopaedias?" Mrs Shazam: "Ah, no thank you. We're not Church people, thank you."
Vocational Guidance Counselor
   contains the line   
… You Are an Extremely Dull Person.
Your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. ... our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, ... no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And w/hereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon!"
What the Stars Foretell
   contains the line   
You Have Green, Scaly Skin…
Mrs. O: [reading her horoscope] You have green, scaly skin, & a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine & tail ... You inhabit arid subtropical zones, & you wear spectacles. Mrs. T: It's very good about the spectacles.


Facts contributed by:


JMK








   About - Terms - Privacy Log In